Savannah's Dwelling

Been a really long time...

2010-12-27T01:09:00.000-08:00

I know it's been an extremely long time, and more than likely nobody will read this, but that is ok because I just want to talk..ya know?

I'm just not doing well...emotionally anyway. So in my heart I know that I should be doing horribly eating wise as well. I see pictures of myself now and I just can't take it anymore. It's been 4 1/2 years of absolute disgust. Unfortunately, I don't care about recovery anymore...I just want to be liked. I want to be pretty. I NEED to go on a diet...there is no ifs ands or buts. I just cant take this anymore, and I have absolutely nobody to talk to it about anymore :(

I miss the old me! I want to be a talented person with ambition and desire for life, and more than anything...I want to be the weight I was 5 years ago! Before I went to treatment, I was not skinny, but I WAS NOT THIS FAT!!!! It seems like my life just has no meaning. I'm just taking up space.

I'm so sorry that this is a bad post, but I'm actually holding quite a bit back...I just hate to wine all the time, but I'm just tired emotionally. Well, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and I am quite sure that nobody will even read this because I don't post very often, but I need to more often because I'm just not doing well and need to start making recovery choices for myself. Deep inside, I'm sure that I do want recovery still, but I can't seem to find that bit of me. I want the old me back...badly.

God Bless,
Savannah

Been a long time...

2010-01-15T18:23:00.001-08:00

Well, hello everyone. Actually I'm pretty sure that nobody checks this anymore considering I don't often blog anymore. Sorry...not much free time in my life. Well, I haven't been up to much. Just working and hanging out with the family. I actually did start seeing a therapist again. Our first appointment was last week. It was a little awkward because I hadn't been to a therapist in 1 1/2 years. Also, I started an ED group here in town and that's a little strange too because I don't even know how to act in that environment anymore. But I'm trying to participate and hopefully I really start to work through some things. Other than that I haven't been up to much.

Update on Elliott: He's 9 months now! I can't believe it...it seems like I just had him a week ago. Haha. He's an amazing kid and just a blessing to spend time with. His giggle is contageous and when he calls out "Momma!"...my heart just melts.

Life is decent right now..I just need to stop, step back, and really work on myself.

I would love an update on how all of you are doing so fire back at me. Love you guys!

Wowsers

2009-08-10T13:43:00.001-07:00

It has been forever since I have updated my blog. I'm not certain that any of you even read these anymore. Haha. Well, Elliott is 4 months old today and work is going good. Chris and I are great, and overall...we are just having a good time in Rapid City. Well, I look forward to reading all of your blogs and being updated. Bye ladies :)

Time Flies By!

2009-05-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

Wow, time has seriously gone by so fast. How has everyone been?! What is everyone up to?! I've just been hanging out with Elliott and I went back to work part time a week and a half ago. Everything is going well with Elliott and I'm doing good for the most part. Of course I have post-partum depression so that rocks. Not. Haha. Oh well, things could always be worse. Well, here's a pic of the little guy showing attitude and sticking his tongue out :) Miss you all!

My First Day Home

2009-04-23T23:08:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone! I finally got to go home and mom couldn't wait to take pictures of me :) Haha! Here is one of me in my cute swing and one of me snuggling with mommy. Have a good weekend ladies!

Elliott Randall Brecht

2009-04-17T18:47:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone! Sorry that I haven't posted or been on in a long time to read your blogs, but I was having my little guy :) He decided that he couldn't stand it in there and he came exactly 4 weeks early. They had to admit him into the NICU so he could work on his breathing a little better. His lungs weren't quite as ready as he was. Now he is working on his eating. (My husband and my brother told me that he's already taking after his mom...haha...it made me laugh) Once he gets better at eating we get to bring him home. We are hoping by the beginning of this coming week, but my hopes of bringing him home sooner than later keep getting crushed so we'll see how soon we really do.

I must say that this moment has taken the cake of the hardest time in my life. Being a mother is the most amazing, but not being able to help him and thinking that it is your fault he's hurting is so hard. I keep looking back at my pregnancy wondering what I did wrong. Maybe I ate chocolate when I should have had vegetables or maybe I didn't drink enough water...all of these things come to mind. It doesn't help that my mother-in-law hates me and she says it's my fault, but I would think that even without her opinion.

This week has been the most exhausting and the most amazing I have ever experienced. I'm just ready for him to come home. But here is a picture of the little guy :) His cute little smile and blonde locks crack me up. Hehe.

Elliott Randall Brecht
April 10, 2009 @ 5:59pm
19 inches, 6lbs 6.6oz

Last Month

2009-04-02T23:29:00.000-07:00

Finally, I am in my last month of pregnancy. This last month just happens to be 5 weeks long, but that's ok with me because it's still considered my last month...YAY! Things are going well. We are finally starting to get everything rounded up for the little guy and ready for him to come join us. I'm getting excited and anxious..hehe :) Well, I just thought it had been a little long since my last update so I figured I would post one. Have a good weekend everyone!

Titleless

2009-02-24T22:50:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of the little guy and I at 29 1/2 weeks. We get to put the crib up tomorrow so I'm very excited about that. Pretty soon the room that isn't at all a nursery will be his little home :) Now all we need is to come up with a name. Ha!

3-D Ultrasound

2009-02-05T19:21:00.001-08:00

Introducing the latest picture of my little man. Isn't he handsome? His little hand is hanging out by his cheek. I hope that he's this mellow after he's born...haha :)

Sick of the growing bump..

2009-01-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor's office on the 8th, and even though it was the best appt. so far since we got to find out...it was the worst for me as well. Up until that appt. I really hadn't gained all that much weight. I didn't gain a ton of weight, but I gained just enough in the 1 month that I think I'm going to go crazy. That is all that is on my mind, and I can't seem to quit obsessing about it. The sick thing is that I'll be gaining close to 20-30 more pounds and I don't think I'm prepared for it. I compare myself to everyone else here in SD, home in ND, pictures of friends on the internet, etc. and I can't stand myself.

I know that I'm pregnant and gaining weight is a good thing when your pregnant, but I'm a wreck. In the doctor's office that day I was speechless, and my husband goes, "Wow..that's great hunny...the medicine must be working." Aka: "Wow...you're a cow."

I just want to quit being pregnant. I want to be able to go on a diet. I want to lose all this weight and everything that I gained since 2005. I'm done with this new Savannah. I feel depressed because I'm not where I want to be and it's my fault that I let myself get out of hand. I should have had more control after I got out of the center and I let myself go and I am so unattractive that I make myself sick.

Everyone says that pregnant women are the most gorgeous and how can I be gorgeous when I nearly punch the mirror everytime I stare at my reflection?

It's a.......

2009-01-08T21:02:00.000-08:00

BOY! We will be bringing a new little guy into the world due May 8th.

3 Things

2008-12-24T21:09:00.000-08:00

I stole this from Kyla's page because I am rather bored today :)

3 things I was doing 10 years ago:
1. I was in my first year of high school.
2. I was preparing for some type of music festival.
3. I was not getting along with my mother.

3 things on my to-do list today:
1. Today is over, but what was on my list was: Take Chris out to lunch for his birthday.
2. Bake bars for Chris.
3. Watch movies with Chris.

3 things I love about my husband:
1. He is nice to me most of the time.
2. He's talented.
3. I really don't know...right now my marraige is shit and I'll be amazed if we don't get a divorce so it's difficult for me to think of things that I love when I'm pretty sad and discouraged in that area. Sorry.

3 jobs I have had:
1. Front Desk at a hotel
2. Blackjack dealer
3. Singing lessons instructor

3 movies I have seen more than once:
1. Family Stone
2. Home Alone
3. Notting Hill

3 places I have lived:
1. Beulah, ND
2. Dickinson, ND
3. Rapid City, SD - I absolutely hate it here.

3 places I have visited:
1. Las Vegas, NV
2. Canada
3. NYC

3 T.V. shows I watch:
1. Law & Order: SVU
2. Jon & Kate Plus 8
3. Poker Shows

3 things you may not know about me:
1. I'm not very smart. In order to do ok in school I had to study very hard.
2. I use to be an alcoholic.
3. I'm really good at the game Soduko.

3 people I tag:
1. Britnie
2. Jenn
3. Brie

If any of you have time :)

Books

2008-12-24T20:52:00.000-08:00

Bold or italicize the books that you have read:

1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austin
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkein
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible - New Testament-Most, if not all...
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot
21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan
51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas - My ALL TIME FAV. BOOK
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt
81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

When I first saw this on Brie's page, I didn't want to do it since I didn't think I had read too many. Then I saw it on Jenn's page so I decided I would go ahead and see how many I have read :) I haven't read near enough of them, but I actually read more than I thought I had considering I thought my count would have been 5 or so. I really need to read some more of them though. Have a Merry Christmas everyone! Happy New Year!

8 things

2008-12-09T22:14:00.000-08:00

Rules:
1. Post rules on your blog
2. Answer the six '8' items (i personally think it should be 8 "8" items, not 6.)
3. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving them a comment

8 Favorite TV Shows
1. Law and Order: SVU
2. Golden Girls
3. Gilmore Girls
4. The Office
5. Jon & Kate Plus 8
6. Mystery Diagnosis on TLC
7. Funny enough...Intervention
8. Any poker show

8 Things I did yesterday
1. Got ready and went to work
2. Got sick :(
3. Left work and came home
4. Talked to a man about a possible new job...yay!
5. Took a nap that was too long
6. Watched an episode of Golden Girls
7. Took a shower
8. Went to sleep - yesterday was kinda crappy...but oh well

8 things I look forward to
1. Dr. Appt. tomorrow
2. Going home next weekend for a couple of days
3. Hanging out with my brother and a bunch of friends for New Years
4. Chris' birthday on Christmas Eve and Christmas with Chris
5. Finding out what gender my baby is in January
6. Hopefully getting a new job
7. Getting everything ready for the baby
8. Having the baby

8 Favorite Restaurants
1. Red Lobster
2. Paradiso
3. Jack's
4. Johnny Carino's
5. California Pizza Kitchen
6. Black Bear
7. Applebee's
8. IHOP

8 Things on my wish list (not in order except for 1st one)
1. A healthy baby (even though that is after xmas..hehe)
2. The book Twilight
3. An SVU season
4. To see friends and family
5. A new bedroom set
6. A new living room set (neither will probably happen, but I can dream)
7. A bicycle
8. New clothes :(

8 People I Tag
1. Anyone who thinks it looks fun..it was a good time for me :)
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.

Belly Pics

2008-11-29T22:10:00.001-08:00

I've had quite a few people ask when I will be putting up belly pictures on my facebook and myspace. Is it completely crazy that I'm not taking these pictures? I am so very uncomfortable with the thought of having pictures of an even bigger me than before. I don't take any pictures. I'm lucky that my husband doesn't really know anything or care about these little things because he has never even asked.

I'm very nervous for when I do start showing because everyone will focus on how fat I'm getting and it's hard enough to deal with by myself let alone everyone else noticing. Especially when my husband wants to see my stomach because I can honestly say that he hasn't seen my stomach in at least a year. I'm getting nervous for when he wants to see my baby bump.

Is it weird that I don't take baby tummy pictures? I don't think that I can bring myself to do it. Before I was pregnant..I wasn't a huge fan of pictures because of how big I've gotten. To add to that horrible feeling...I'm only going to get bigger than I was before and there isn't much that I can do. This isn't fun and it makes me uber sad.

Enough sad talk from me...have a great week everyone!!! :)

My Trip to AZ/NV

2008-11-24T20:51:00.000-08:00

I forgot to blog about my trip...oh my :O The trip was great, but of course way too short. It was so nice to see my sister, bro-in-law and their girls, my mom, and Stuart(my brother). I don't have very many pictures...but here are a few:

This is a picture of me playing slot machine :)

This is a picture of my brother playing a slot machine :)

Here is a picture of my mom and brother singing karaoke :)

I can't wait to see all of them again...only 5 1/2 more months!!! Yay!!!

Same old thing

2008-11-18T19:49:00.000-08:00

So, I've been thinking lately...I do absolutely nothing with my life. I work 40 hours a week and then the leftovers are for sleeping and absolutely nothing. I truly hate Rapid City because I'm so bored all the time. The fact that I barely ever see Chris because he works nights and I work whatever I am scheduled whether it be 7-3 or 3-11. The 7-3 days really suck because I don't see him at all then, but the others...at least we have the morning. To add to the never-see-Chris...I don't ever get a weekend day off and Sat./Sun. are his days off.

If I had a friend it wouldn't be as difficult, but as of right now life royally blows. I would pick up a hobby, but I really don't know if it would be good for me because whenever I have tried something I have not been good at it and I feel that trying something and failing would be worse than not even trying.

On a positive note...I had my 2nd baby appt. and everything is going well. I got a flu shot, got my blood drawn, and got weighed and we were done. It was speedy and she said that everything sounds great. That's nice to hear.

Well, talk to you all later...sorry I was such a downer this time. Hope all is well!!

Work is Boring

2008-11-09T11:32:00.000-08:00

Well, here I sit at the good ol' Holiday Inn..BORED OUT OF MY MIND! However, I'm getting uber excited for my trip to Arizona to see my sister, nieces, and mother. My brother and I are both flying down there and we are getting excited :)

It should be fun to hangout with everyone and help my mom unpack. My mom just moved down there and since she broke her leg not too long ago...she's not able to unpack very much by herself. My step-dad has to stay in North Dakota to work a little bit longer and it wows me that they will be apart from each other for close to 5 years. Isn't that crazy? Chris and I drive each other nuts sometimes, but we can't be apart for that long...we'd go nutty.

Completely off topic, but since this blog is random anyways..it's ok.
Brie - I tried to get that modeling thing and put it on my myspace page, but it wouldn't let me. I was just wondering what I was doing wrong..hehe.

Well, everyone...I will write more when I get back after my 2nd baby appointment. Yay! Have a great week and take care!!

It's back...

2008-10-23T22:02:00.000-07:00

All in all, my pregnancy has been going rather well. I've had the average morning sickness and what not, insomnia, and frequent nausea...but that's just part of the package. Up until the past week to 2 weeks I didn't really have too much sadness or stress over my body image. I just chalked it all up to the fact that I HAD to do it all no matter what. Don't get me wrong..I'm been very eager to begin a diet once the baby is born, but I just set it aside in my mind for another 6 months.

Then it happened...I had a bad weekend last weekend, and what do you think I do? I resorted to what I always had without even realizing it. It just happened. When I got to work and the girl that I work with asked what we should do for dinner I unintentionally said, "Oh, I'm sorry I already ate." Right away I noticed what I said and then realized that I hadn't eaten that day or the day before. I have since gotten much better, but throughout this pregnancy...it's just been hard to eat at all..not because of the demon.

Overall, I guess I just surprised myself because I thought that I would be able to notice when I was feeling that way. It just woke me up a little to see that I still resort to that whenever I am sad or uncomfortable. I should probably talk to Chris, but he seriously is not good at talking about stuff. He just looks at me and seems confused and bored. Haha!

That was very random and I'm rather embarassed, but oh well. I guess I was just checking if anybody could relate to resorting to it unknowingly sometimes. Well, have a great weekend :)

1st Appt

2008-10-14T20:12:00.000-07:00

Baby Brecht's 1st Photo Shoot :)

The appt. went well, and we found out that both of us are healthy. Yay! I'm due on May 8th and everything is going well with the pregnancy so that's good.

Just thought I'd post an update on me. Have a great week.

Whiskers on Kittens :)

2008-10-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I have not posted in quite some time so I thought I would just let everyone know that life in South Dakota is rather uneventful. At least Chris and I enjoy are jobs so that's good. Hehe.

My first doctor appointment is not until October 14th. The doctors here don't want to see the mommy until she is about 11 weeks along. Everyone keep their fingers crossed that everything is going according to plan :)

Well, just a random post to add to the page. Have a great rest of your week everyone. Goodnight :)

20 Questions

2008-09-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

1. What do you want right this minute? I want to know that my baby will be healthy and that everything's going to be ok, even though I just found out.
2. If you were a boxer, what would your ring name be? Definitely Angela Lansbury..that's a good boxer name.
3. Would you rather be perfect from the waist up or the waist down? Waist up..I can't hide my face, but I can hide my body...hopefully.
4. Would you rather meet Oprah or Ellen? Ellen...she's hilarious
5. Have you ever had Gonorrhea? Yeah, that's a no.
6. What does your favorite pair of underwear look like? I don't really have a fav pair..they all pretty much look the same....pink, green, blue...fun colors
7. What’s one thing you’re afraid of? The dark. Everything about it...going around the corners...shining my cell phone so that I can see...wondering if someone is around the corner or if I'm going to trip on something.
8. If you could be reincarnated as someone/something, what would you pick? I would like to be Emmy Rossum...she's talented, stunning, and above all...she's amazingly grounded in life.
9. Who is your least favorite actor? Strangely...I'm not a fan of Samuel L. Jackson...for some reason, people love him. Weird.
10. Do you ever have recurring dreams? Not anymore..I use to dream weird things like people in my family getting taken away from me or me getting taken away from them.
12. Do you like reality TV? I don't watch very much TV, but for reality...I must admit I am a fan of America's Next Top Model.
13. Are you happy right now? Yes. I'm very thrilled to become a mother in a little while. I'm nervous as hell...anxious...scared...but definitely happy.
14. Would you rather have a salad or a burger? I would rather have a chef salad..yummy
15. What would you do if you were locked in a room with your worst enemy for 3 days? An enemy... I'm not sure of any enemies of mine, but I'm sure there is some of them out there. I would bring a lot of books :)
16. Were you popular in high school? I wasn't, by definition, popular. I was friends with pretty much everyone and stayed in contact with most every "clique" in school. Popularity wasn't that important to me because the "popular" people were usually dishing out money for some type of illegal act that they performed.
17. What did you want to be when you were little, and did you follow that dream? I wanted to be a singer..haha! I do still love to sing more than anything, but no..I went into the hospitality industry.
18. What’s one of your favorite quotes? "To dream of the person we'd like to be is a waste of the person we are."
19. What is one of your weaknesses? People pleasing. I'm constantly looking for anyway that I can ensure someone will like me.
20. Do you see the glass as half empty or half full? Usually half full....I truly believe that in life, the worst thing could always be worse.

Read All About It

2008-09-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

This just in: I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!

Whoa...crazy huh? Chris and I are very excited and couldn't be happier. I'm due in May so I'm not very far along. Oh how I look forward to all the exciting things that pregnancy will bring...hehe :)

Well, I guess I just wanted to let you all know the new exciting news in the Brecht household. Have a great weekend!!

Update

2008-08-19T19:50:00.001-07:00

Well, I guess I haven't really updated on how Rapid City is going so I will do that.

Chris and I came down to Rapid City on August 1 to move our stuff into the nice place, and the day after that Chris went back to North Dakota until he finished his job which his last day was August 15. I had a wedding in Fargo on the 16 so as he was moving down here, I was going up to ND for the weekend. We are both finally down here together. Haha..

I have to admit that the 2 weeks that I had nobody here were 2nd hardest 2 weeks of my life(my mother's brain aneurism being the first). It was so hard being here having no friends. I went to work, came home, watched seasons on DVD, went to sleep, got up...and all over again. I had no friends. I still don't have any friends, but at least Chris is here now.

The 2 weeks prior were near impossible for me and I was so close to giving up. It was even harder than treatment. I seriously would rather go to treatment for a year than have 2 weeks with nobody in my life. (Let me rephrase that...a year without any chance of having to go on caution status..haha)

I have lived my entire life being able to make friends. I guess I have just taken it for granted in the past and never really thought I wouldn't have a friend. I just assumed that having friends was a part of life. I do have coworkers, but most of them have families and probably wouldn't want to go out to a movie with me.

At least Chris is here now so it makes things a little easier, but it is difficult for me to hang out with Chris every night. I don't know why..it may just be the independent side of me. I have a hard time hanging around a man every night...even though it is my husband. I still need that night that I have with my friends. I'm strange I know, but I always feel so obiligated to be a good wife...nevermind..that's another blog topic.

All in all, Rapid City is great..I just wish I didn't feel so alone when I'm around so many people. I am excited that I don't have therapy anymore. It was weird leaving my therapist that I had for 4 1/2 years, but I'm suppose to call her monthly to keep her updated. Haha..she's silly.

Well, I hope that everyone is having a great week. Don't forget to watch Brie on TV tomorrow!

Wedding song

2008-08-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

Hey ladies!

So I'm singing in a wedding on the 30th, and I recorded myself singing the song so that I could get feedback from my sister and from the bride and a couple of my friends. I figured I would go ahead and put it on my blog to get some feedback from you all. So if you could all tell me what parts I could work on...that would be great. Thanks ladies!!! Love you and miss you!

Vanna

Rapid City

2008-08-02T08:42:00.000-07:00

Well, we got here yesterday at about 3:00 and didn't finish moving are stuff in until 9:30!! Eek! It was horrible carrying all the heavy stuff up 3 flights of stairs, but we finally did it. Chris and I were rather tired so falling asleep in the new place wasn't difficult at all. He even fell asleep under the bed when he was hooking up the power cord for our alarm clocks. I was going to take a picture, but our camera is packed somewhere :)

Here is our living room..I'm pretty excited because it is so much bigger than the living rooms we've had in the past.

Here is our kitchen. They got us all brand new appliances so that's pretty stellar!

Here is the hallway to the bedrooms. It's going to be nice to have a spare bedroom.

Now comes the long and tedious duty of unpacking. I'd better go get started :) Have a great weekend everyone!!

Honest Moment

2008-07-22T23:31:00.000-07:00

K...this post is probably going to be one of the most honest moments in my life, and I'm nervous for some reason...probably the whole "AHHH...VULNERABLE!!!" thing. Anyway, I might as well just jump into it because I can't sleep and until I get this out...I won't be able to.

P.S. This blog is going to make me sound like a completely horrible person.

I have this friend, and I care the world about her. For real...she is amazing. She only has one fault that I know of......ED. I try hard to be there for her and let her know that she needs to keep fighting and all that jazz. Well, tonight she texted me and told me that she just got out of IP and that she gets to go to day patient and I'm so damn proud of her. (Please excuse the D word) However, there's still a long road ahead.

*Enter horrible part* The texts then ask how I'm doing....my reply: "I'm good...blah blah blah." The truth of the matter is...I really AM doing good. Please tell me why I feel guilty? I feel sheepish for being healthy!! That's gash dang ridiculous isn't it?!

I feel horrible for being healthy when my friend is hurting so terribly so I search for things that I can do wrong because I don't want her to be alone in the fight. I'm sure that this post seems very crazy, but it is truly how I feel. My mind is telling me that I have to be unhealthy because she is. The sad thing is that some of me(the ED part) is telling me that I gave up too easy and that I could be just like her. It yells at me for giving up on it and tells me that I could be just like her and be skinny, pretty, etc.

So overall, my thoughts are a bit selfish and childish, but I couldn't sleep and I had to talk to something about them. My mind tells me that I can't be healthy because then she would be alone in the fight, AND some more thoughts tell me that I'm a fatass for giving into treatment and getting healthy.

This blows.

But, at least I can maybe sleep now. bye.

The Big Move

2008-07-22T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'm growing up! YAY! haha.. Chris and I are moving to Rapid City a little sooner than we thought. I thought that we had until the middle of August, but we actually have to move 2 weeks sooner so I'm heading down to Rapid City, SD on August 1st. Eeeek! We actually do not have an apartment so I'm moving down there on August 1st and Chris is coming down on August 15th.

I'm a little nervous to head out and begin my career, but I'm optimistic that everything will level out after a few months. We hope to start a family soon also...hopefully anyway. We'll see I guess :)

Here are a couple of pictures of the area. (1 of Rapid City, and 1 of Mt. Rushmore which I will be driving by everyday to go to work) - You might have to click on the first one to make it larger.

Week 2

2008-07-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

Well, this is week 2 of Music Camp for me. My niece left on Saturday so that was sad that I wasn't able to leave and hang out with her. I do, however, get a day off next week which I will be spending with her so I'm thrilled about that. I think we'll either end up going to a movie or the mall or both :) I love coming here every year, but I've been coming here for 5 years now and it kinda sucks when the deans that knew me before I went to Utah all look at me...wanting to ask why I'm bigger, but they don't...thank God :) The administration knows because I have to fill out a health form before working here. One of the questions is: "Do you have an eating disorder or have you ever had an eating disorder?" This makes for a crazy conversation when you check in because the camp director's wife pulls me into her office and asks if I'd be willing to be the "On-Call ED Expert" when it comes to the campers(primarily the dancers). So that's a little awkward, but of course I said yes.

So that has been my week...the other deans think I'm nuts and the dancers never want me to talk to them because they know that I'm the "ED Expert." And we all know how uncomfortable those conversations can be :)

Well, I guess I better get out there and monitor little ones. Bye ladies!!! Have a great week!

International Peace Gardens

2008-07-08T19:40:00.001-07:00

This past Saturday, my niece(Kiara) and I made the long truck up to the International Music Camp which happens to be located in the International Peace Gardens. The Peace Gardens are absolutely gorgeous, and somehow just seeing the beauty of the gardens just puts a neverending smile on my face. Isn't it amazing how God creates such places that seem so perfect? Anyway...

I'm totally stoked for Music Camp. I love watching kids create music...especially singing! :) My niece is so talented, and I'm so proud of her. She's here for this week which is choir week, and then she goes to hang out with her biological father in Minot, ND. However, I get to stay up here for another week(jazz week) and I'm excited. I'm sure that I will be sick of all of the 700 kids that are camping by the end of the 2 weeks, but in the mean time...I'm pretty thrilled! :)

This was a pointless blog, and I'm sorry for that...haha. I guess I just got so caught up in the excitement of Music Camp...and yes if you were wondering...this camp could technically be considered a.....band camp. Flute players were last week ;)

Too hot to trot

2008-06-23T17:37:00.000-07:00

It's so friggin' hot out and I have to wear a sweatshirt everyday everywhere. 83 degrees and a sweatshirt results in a blue freezy pop :)

As you can see...I'm rather bored before I go to work...hehe..

Sore muscles and glowing pacifiers

2008-06-19T22:44:00.001-07:00

We had our second week of softball last night and let's just say...I'm in A LOT of pain today. I'm catcher and last night I had to tag people out twice and one of the times the chick mowed me over and my knee decided to give away a lot of my precious blood. So that sucked, but what sucked the most is that when she hit me my shoulder jammed up and then she rammed my legs and I proceed to do a flip over her body and that is how I gashed my knee open. Oh well, gotta take one for the team I guess, but dang I'm a hurtin' unit today.

Tonight I got to go the crappy fair that is in town and I played a token game and one a glowing baby pacifier. Why would one invent this object? If I were a baby...I would be trippin' the entire time.

I took a picture of it, but you can't see the glory that is it's glow as well as I was hoping.

Wow...I should certainly clean my house sometime soon...

Well, I really hope that everyone is doing well. Have an amazing weekend! Miss you all.

Softball

2008-06-05T13:46:00.000-07:00

This is me happy ...hehe :)

Woo Hoo!!! I'm in softball league again this summer and my team had their first games last night. We won both of them and I actually played rather well for me :) I've never been really good at this sport but I still play because it's fun to hang out with everyone and laugh at ourselves. hehe.

I hope everyone is having a great summer so far :)

sad face

2008-05-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

About two months ago, my brother told me that he doesn't want me to move to Utah because he doesn't want me to be that far away from him. He wants me to move to South Dakota like Chris and I had decided on in the beginning. I told him that we wouldn't get to see each other much more if I was in SD rather than UT. And with Utah we could meet in Vegas a couple of times a year. Well....he got a hold of my husband. Now Chris wants to move to SD because he wants to be closer to his parents. Keep in mind...his mother and I do not get along...at all. So for the past month we haven't really discussed where we are moving to or our future at all.

Finally, on Sunday night I looked at him and told him that we really need to just pick a place to live because I need to start looking at hotels in those areas and all that jazz. He looked at me and said, "Let's go to Rapid." - meaning Rapid City, SD. I asked him if that was his final answer and he said yes.

So sad face, we are no longer moving to Utah. I was really looking forward to it and I was looking forward to somewhat knowing the area. Don't get me wrong, South Dakota is really pretty and I'm sure that I can make the best of it. I just know that the reason he wants to move to SD is because of his parents. I really really don't get along with Lori. She really doesn't like me and I don't want them visiting every month or us coming up to ND every month. Rapid City is only about 5 hours away from our sets of parents.

All in all, I am no longer moving to Utah and I'm sad about it.

Other than the sadness of my future move...life is pretty good. I'm the assistant manager of the Holiday Inn Express this summer and I'm having a lot of fun with the job. Nothing all that exciting is happening in my life. I'm pretty blah :)

DONE!

2008-05-06T23:57:00.000-07:00

I just finished my last final tonight! I am so excited to finally be done. I have worked really hard for this and I have never been more proud of myself then tonight. Wait and getting married...I loved finding a man that will love me forever :)

Anyway, I really am so excited and right now...not ever kidding...all of the stress was well worth it. Trust me. I'm ecstatic right now.

Thank you all for putting up with my depressing posts and depressing thoughts. I really have been thankful. I know I don't show or tell you ladies enough, but I am truly thankful for each and every one of you. Thank you for being patient with me and God Bless!

Sav

Good Movie

2008-04-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

So a couple of friends and myself went to the movie Baby Mama today and it was hilarious! I could barely breathe half the time. The two main characters make me want to pee myself they are so funny. Before this movie...Mean Girls and Anchorman were my favorite comedy movies....Baby Mama is now my top. I feel like I am abandoning my others and I don't want to make them sad, but I'm pretty sure that since I wet myself 4 times during this movie...it's reasonable right?

Here is a clip of the movie...you should def. go to this website and watch it...it's only like 30 seconds long.

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi1474363673/

Well, I better go do some homework because Lord knows I have about 67 hours of homework to do. I really shouldn't have gone to the movie, but I wanted to see it so bad and I needed a break. Yes, that is me trying to justify my sluffing off.

Have a good day everyone!!

Woo Hoo!

2008-04-23T15:44:00.000-07:00

*I'm in Business Club.

*Business Club is going on a trip.

*Destination: San Francisco, California.

*Seven of us.

*Depart two days after graduation.

*Amber and I made the itinerary today.

*I'm really really excited to go on this trip!!!

P.S. Have a great day everyone!

P.S.S. If you are a secretary....HAPPY SECRETARY DAY!!!

Fiona and Chantelle

2008-04-20T07:37:00.000-07:00

Check out this fancy llama! I just that she was so cute. I named her Fancy Fiona and I really hope that she's not a he because we could definitely have some identity crisis issues on our hands. I wouldn't want to be the cause of such a horrible occurence. So Fiona...please be a lady.

I just wanted to write and wish everyone an amazing day!!! I hope that it's the most fabulous Sunday that you have had thus far. Also I wanted to post a video from YouTube because this girl is amazing and most all of her songs are amazing. She is only 15 years old. Wow.

ENJOY!!!

Schpeels

2008-04-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

I was out with my friends last night because it was my friend's birthday. So once I got done serving tons of foreign food at the Taste of Nations Dinner put on by the Business Club I called my friends to see where they were. They were on their way to a bar called Army's because it is the only place that one can bust a move :) Much to our dismay the Rock, Paper, Scissors Tournament Finals were being held there so no dancing until late into the evening so we entertained ourselves with darts and pool.

Finally we got to dance, and on our way down to the floor a girl asked me how I was doing. I hadn't seen her in a while and last year I was suppose to talk to her about "her eating habits." Our mutual friend just happens to be the girl that I started my "diet" with...back in the day. She didn't know who else to turn to so she came to me asking me to talk to this girl. However, I never did get a chance to talk to her.

So once she asked me how I was doing...I was like, "Fine! How are you?!" *I'm a little slow I guess* She goes, "How's your eating?" I reply with, "Oh ya know...some good times, some not so good times....and you?" She answers back, "Yeah, me too. Does Chris know?" I say, "No. Does Travis?" She goes, "No."

Trust me...I do have a point to my boring story and here it is: Chris and I never talk about anything like that. If I have a bad day - I go in our room, shut the door, turn on my instrumental CD, and journal. He'll come in(knowing that something's not right) and go "Everything ok?" To which I always say, "Yeah, I'm fine." After that he always asks again just in case I'm going to change my mind and pour out my heart...haha. That isn't going to happen.

Here's my dilemma..I know that wives are suppose to be able to tell their husbands anything. Confide in them with every little worry, want, and funny story...BUT I can't. Even thinking about it gives me the willies. Am I just suppose to walk up to him and say, "Yeah. I'm really stressed with school. I work 55 hours a week. I never really get to just sit down and watch a movie or anything. The only free time I have is in the car when I'm driving to my next destination. I need to work out. I'm fat. I need to get my hair dyed. It looks like shit. My eyebrows...wait..EYEBROW needs to be weedwacked into 2. I'm not getting along with my mother in the slightest. My nephew is probably going to be sent to the state hospital in June. AND I'm a teensy bit sleepy." Because I know what I would do. I would finish all of that schpeel with the good ol' fashinioned, "But don't worry..I'll be fine."

Does anyone ever feel like their "schpeel" is too ridiculous to even complain to someone about? Will Chris care about any of the things that I deem stressful? Well, I'm done with my rant ladies. Have a great day and thanks for reading :) Peace out home slices.

Exhausted

2008-04-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

I am hoping that everyone is doing well, and that you know that I am always sending good thoughts your way. It is sad that I can't post as much as I would like to. However, once school ends you can be expecting more frequent posting from Sav the Spaz. (Wow...I'm witty...or challenged...whichever)

Well, school is officially over for me in 25 days and I am getting pretty excited! I just finished a 20 page paper that nobody in my group helped me with, but I am too nice to tell my teacher that I received no help and that I think I should get the grade all to myself. Plus, I am not that selfish. I just got done judging NFL speech(national speech) which is pretty exciting because the winners of this competition go on to compete against the winners from let's say...Utah :) I don't know what exciting city they all get to go to, but I am still very happy and proud of all of the competitors that I have been watching for the past 2 days.

I had to come back early so I didn't get to judge finals. However, I came back early because I have to compete in another Business Plan competition, but this one is right here in Dickinson. I haven't looked at my powerpoint or my paper since January, and I am very very nervous. I compete in an hour and a half...I'm just waiting for my partner to come to the library.

Another exciting venture is tomorrow morning. I get to give a powerpoint presentation on the 20 page paper that I wrote on Barnes and Noble. Oh how excited I am! :) My partners are 2 boys from Russia and 1 girl from the Bahamas so that makes me even more nervous because their english is not amazing, but they are getting better by the day so I'm also proud of them. (However still angry that they did not help me AT ALL with the paper)

On a good note...my birthday is May 7th and I already know what I'm getting myself....a university diploma. Have a good day all you fine ladies! I love you very much and think about you daily.

Sav

P.S. There was a speech that mocked eating disorders and I couldn't help but giggle. Apparently eating is set up like a train. This food train is set up in a way that a girl is suppose to get on the train, eat, and then shit the food out. By throwing up, we are derailing the food train...AND...by not eating we aren't even getting on the train. How good is that?! I loved it and it took a lot of work not to bust up laughing in the middle of the speech. Sorry if any of you were offended, but I knew Brie would laugh so I thought I would put it on here if not to make her smile...maybe a couple more :)

Worn out

2008-03-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

Does anyone ever feel that they have so much going on that recovery doesn't even make it onto the list? I really just don't have time for it right now. That sounds completely lame, but I really don't. I'm sure I could prioritize better, actually I know I could, but I don't want to. This other stuff needs to get done also. Of course I would love to just quit everything, but I'm so damn close to being done that I can't give up. However, yes I will graduate on May 10th, and then things are suppose to be "easier", but how in the hell is starting a career and possibly a family easier!? Haha...I'm just complaining and stressed. Sorry.

Oh so tempting offer...

2008-03-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

WARNING!!! May be triggering!!! Viewers discretion is advised!

Alright, so tonight at work..I was dealing blackjack and all was pretty well - minus the fact that I'm insanely wore out - when I'm approached by yet ANOTHER person...

Individual: "Oh my gosh, are your expecting?! That's so exciting!!"

Savannah: "No, I'm not...just a little fluffier than since we hung out 4 years ago." Insert Laugh

Individual: "Oh, I'm sorry...that was really forward of me."

Savannah: "Nah...don't worry about it...it sadly happens a lot."

Individual: "Well, I could actually help you with that. Are you lookin' for an easy way to shed some?"

Savannah: Laughing inside...oh here we go...just stick your finger down your throat... "Why yes, I would love to hear the latest fad diet." smiles

Individual: "It's rather dangerous, but it really works for me and my friends....meth."

Savannah: stunned!!! "Whoa. Wasn't expecting that answer."

Individual: "I can get it for you really cheap...like half price."

Now...I'm listening, but why I am I listening? I come from a middle class family...my mom was a retail manager, my step-dad is a power plant operations manager, I'm in my senior year of college, I'm an aunt, I'm married for goodness sake....yet I yearn for more information.

Savannah: "Oh really." fake laugh, but really I am curious still not knowing why

Ladies!!!! This is NOT me. Yet I feel the need to do this. No, an eating disorder didn't scare me...why would meth right? This is completely insane, yet I want to try it so bad. I don't even know what it looks like. I don't even know how you would ingest/inhale/drink/smoke/dancethejigaround it. I don't know anything about it, but because I can lose weight doing it..I'm willing. I've always known that meth could make a person lose tons of weight because it's common knowledge, but I have never taken this much interest in it. I don't know what to do. I should probably tell my therapist, but what if I do (Gosh forbid) try it...then she'll know...and then I'm in A LOT of trouble. I don't know what to do, and I don't know where else to turn. I'm scared that I might actually try this...knowing that it is not characteristic of me. Please help.

Bad day...

2008-03-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

Today is a horrible body image day, and I am just ready to give up. I think it's crazy that one day can make me so ready to just take back all of the hard work that I've done. Yes, I can say it...I've worked hard, and I'm proud. But, I really really just want to look the way that I use to. I think the hard thing for me is that I never looked like I had an eating disorder. I was average height and weight and all that good jazz. So when I did get healthy and make good choices for myself...I became what I was suppose to. I'm big boned, and naturally a "healthy" shape and size. That is insanely hard for me to accept. I don't want to be this way. I want to look "normal" like I use to when I wasn't healthy. I didn't look sick...I looked like your average girl. I no longer look that way, I look like a fatass and just plain gross. I don't want to accept the fact that I'm like my sisters and brother. We are naturally big boned and big everything..haha! I don't like that, and I don't want that. According to charts, I am overweight. Do you know how frustrating that is? The one thing that I was ever passionate about: being thin and now I'm overweight WOW...that's all I gotta say..wow! The one thing I cared about...I mean I could handle being "normal" weight and such, but OVERWEIGHT...wow, I'm done. But in order for me to look "normal" and "average" I have to be unhealthy. That right there folks, is a horrible realization. I don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want to...I really don't want to.

Ok, now that I took the advice of Alana and Tanya and posted everything that I was feeling...that was nice, embarrassing but nice. Thanks girls for allowing me to let myself do that :) If that made sense, hehe.

I guess what this whole post is about is that I am sick of the fact that one day can make me want to give up everything. Maybe if I have enough of these days...I'll be "average" again. One can only hope.

2008-02-28T01:25:00.000-08:00

Well, this is me posting since I haven't posted in forever :) To be honest..the only thing that is on my mind is not good so I will talk about sometime else.

Rabbits and Badgers...are..AMAZING!!! HAHA!!

So in order for me to not mutilate myself...i have to lie and say that i am ok so that i don't fuck up and wind up pissing off everyone that i know :)

Stressed Part II

2008-02-18T13:36:00.001-08:00

Lately, it seems that I am running around without a break. My days are packed and my nights are packed and I'm going insane. Haha! My average days looks like this:

7 - wake up
8 - class
9 - break (HELL YEAH!!!)
10 - meeting
11 - work for ONE hour...how f'in stupid! (Job 1: DSU)
12 - class
1 to 5 - work (Job 2: Holiday Inn)
5 to 1 in the AM - work (Job 3: Blackjack dealer)
1 to 7 - sleepy

It sucks and I'm getting worn out. I constantly am telling myself "Don't worry...you're almost there." That line is getting old and I'm not falling for it anymore. I'm just ready to quit it all..haha. This is the point where Kim walks in and says, "Savannah...you're so black and white. Can't you find a medium?" haha...Well, this was good. I made myself laugh and that helped me out a little bit. :) hehe I guess I better get back to work, bye guys! Love you!

Happy Valentine's Day!!

2008-02-14T12:10:00.000-08:00

I hope that everyone is having a grand Valentine's Day! Is anyone doing anything special? I have to work, and to top it off...Christopher is sick. Poor boy :( We already told each other that we wouldn't get each other anything so all in all...it's not a very pleasant Valentine's Day for the Brecht Family, but oh well, there will be plenty of them to come.

Well, my best friend left for New Zealand. Crazy girl :) Her card to me said that since she's not here to check on me..I'm suppose to make a cardboard cut out that has a talking bubble that says, "Have you eaten yet? Savannah...." Haha! What a goon! So at least we parted with a laugh.

Well, I would love to hear how everyone's V-Day is going or what sorts of plans you have for later...so post away my friends! :)

Sigh...

2008-02-10T18:02:00.001-08:00

So, one of my best friends(yes I have 3..hehe), well she is moving very very far away. At least I consider it pretty far, New Zealand isn't exactly the easiest road trip right? I'm really happy for her because when she graduated college she was sad because she didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. She's insanely brilliant, but just lost as to what will make her happy. So she decided to go spend a year in New Zealand. Haha! Well, she leaves on Tuesday and of course I am being selfish. I'm really going to miss her. She is literally the only person in this world that knows everything about me. The only one! She is the only one that I could talk to if I wanted to. I'm not big on the whole gushing about my life, so it's rare that I open up anymore..but still :( I'm really happy that she is going to go out and have some fun, and another friend of our's decided that she would tag along so that's reassuring. I will get to see her again in August for a friend's wedding, but other than that...that's going to be about it. Chris and her don't like each other at all so I'm sure that neither of them will be gun-ho about road trips to visit. Ya know?

I guess this all leads to a very nervewracking moment nearing in my life...I'm friggin' moving! :) Haha.. For real though, I'm so anxious about Utah. I am really really nervous because here at school I was/am pretty well known and for the most part people really liked/like me. It wasn't because I'm pretty, skinny, or have a lot of money. It was because I'm outgoing and fake. At college, I choose not to show the pain inside. Everyone just sees me for a few attributes: I'm Stuart's sister, I use to be in 1,000 activities so you had to like me or your club didn't get funding, unfortunately I have a gigantic set of ladies, and my least favorite...I can drink enough for 13 people.

I'm nervous that when I get to Utah, that nobody will like me. I'm excited that I won't be known for any of those 4 things...well, maybe the ladies, but the other ones I am very ready to let go of. I'm afraid that once people see me without those..they won't like me. Then I will have to change, and then I will be right back where I was...well hopefully at the weight I was at(sorry-but it's what I am thinking).

I just really want to crawl in a whole because for one of the hardest things...I won't have my best friend and I'm scared. Well, that's my rant for the evening. I have to go do a lot of homework. Bye.

I am the walrus...

2008-01-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

Well, to start out with..I have no idea why I always have insane names for my titles. I'm just a little bit quarky I guess :)

So tonight I was sitting in my bedroom, whilst Christopher was in the living room watching the State of the Union Address. That didn't seem very interesting so I decided to go read my book. I never got to my book, instead I looked at my bookshelf and noticed my old journals...haha! They were from when I was in Utah. It was a weird trip back in time. It was weird to see how I have changed, and giggle at the ways that I haven't changed a bit. Sometimes, I think I choose to forget trying times such as treatment because I fear that I haven't changed enough and I haven't come far enough in recovery. So as I was reading, I noticed that all of my journal entries are fake because I was afraid that they would go in your bin and read your shit. Even for the month that I journaled afterwards...fake...

A long time ago...Summer of 2004(I started therapy in February of 2004)...I have never been one to really open up and my therapist and I decided to see if I could relay my feelings by journaling. So I would journal as many nights as I remembered to, and then at our sessions she would read it and we would discuss what I wrote. Well, I was never as honest as I could have been because I knew that somebody was going to be reading it.

Tonight, I got out a journal because I wanted to see if I am able to put completely everything that I am feeling on paper. Before tonight, the last time I journaled was early 2006. I asked Chris if he could please not disturb me for 5 minutes while I journaled so I turned on some piano music and just sat there writing EVERYTHING! It was insane...I journaled for 45 minutes! I have never felt more relieved and free than tonight. It's crazy how much emotion can come out of a ballpoint pen. Knowing that I wasn't going to show anyone, and it was truly just for me...I was able to just go.. It was an amazing feeling.

On a crappier note, my grandma is really sick so it's a pretty crappy week. We are hoping and praying that she makes it through the week. Considering the doctor told us she wouldn't make it through Sunday night, and today she woke up and was recognizing some people...we were at least given a glimmer of hope. I feel horrible for my mom though because when I almost lost her a year ago, it was the most horrible experience of my life. I can look at her and truly know what she is feeling. Her and her mother didn't have a good relationship, just as my mother and I don't have a good relationship. I'm just hoping that even with all their differences, they realize that they love one another even if it seems hard to admit.

One more thought for the night and then I'm really going to go to bed. Here goes...I HATE NORTH DAKOTA! It was 40 BELOW ZERO today(with windchill.. -10 without) That is just crazy. Why do people live here? Nutty people I tell you...nutties.

Alright, love goes out to all of you. Hope you had a great start to your week. Keep warm my dears! :)

Rubber Chicken

2008-01-18T14:40:00.000-08:00

Well, I realized that I haven't posted anything in quite sometime. I come on here frequently to read how everyone else is doing, but I refrain from posting because I'm sorta boring.

Well, I got 3rd place at the competition that I was so nervous about. So thank you for sending good lucky vibes my way. Love you!! Check out this trophy that I found on the net...isn't he so sexy?I'm a little exhausted...I've been running non-stop for the past few weeks. It's catching up with me, and I'm ready for a day off :) My final semester is a little like my old semesters when I use to think I needed to do everything! I have 18 credits, 3 jobs, I'm in Business Club and Campus Activities Board. However, it is my first year not being on Student Senate, and let me tell ya...I feel like a slacker. Oh well, I have to remember that I need to pay attention to classes and all that jazz.

I don't know how cold it is where all over you are dwelling, but here in North Dakota...it is 20 BELOW!!! That is crazy, and I'm very very cold. I just thought I would let everyone know that... Well, I'd better get back to work..only work another 45 minutes, but then I have to head straight over to my other job. I'm really exhausted..did I mention that. Haha..sorry...I was just kidding.

Well, ladies..I hope that you are all doing well in your individual ventures whether it be school, work, butt cancer, or whatever else it may be. See you later!

Public speaking blows...

2008-01-11T10:39:00.000-08:00

Well, the cat's out of the bag...I HATE talking in front of people. I have a tendency to get up in front of the class, and pass out shortly before it is my turn to talk. All the while, my group members just stare in awe because they have no f'in clue what in the heck just happened. Haha...it's humorous if you think about it after the fact.

Another factor that makes it so funny, is that my brother is a national public speaking champion. My brother is a communications professor here at Dickinson State, and I am a communications failure. Haha... I don't know what it is, but I just can't do it. I've tried all the tricks, and none of them work. Picturing them naked just makes everything quite a bit more awkward if you ask me.

Crazy things is...I LOVE TO TALK! (Only when it's not about my feelings and all that shitty jazz) I have sang in quite a few weddings, but not before I thought my heart was going to fail on me. So, performing in front of people is a rather hard task for me. *Brie, I have a feeling that you are the one that is laughing because I referred to it as "performing in front of people," and gosh I think you're great..haha* But for real, I really have a fear of it.

So, this is all leading up the fact that I have a Business Plan competition in Grand Forks, and I really don't want to go. The presentation is 20 minutes long, and I really just don't want to do it. It is this coming Monday-Wednesday, so I was hoping I could talk you ladies into hoping and praying for me that I don't pass out. I really could care less about winning, because I was forced to enter the competition and I really didn't want to make it. I just don't want to pass out in front of 300+ people. Please support me in your mind...thank you ladies!!!

Ahh...how I love school...

2008-01-07T17:33:00.000-08:00

Well, I started my first class of my last semester this evening. It lasted a whole 20 minutes because my teacher told the class that there was more important stuff to be doing...AKA...the Ohio State game is on. Haha... Oh well, got me out of class. The class looks as though it will be pretty interesting and challenging. The title of it is Retail Management, and surprisingly, I'm looking forward to it.

I'm just chillin' in the library, about to go play some basketball. Funny story about that though. Haha... So my friend, Christa and I are on this new work out kick. (My therapist finally gave me the ok to workout again, but there are restrictions of course) Anyway, my friend Christa has some guidelines that she thinks we should follow also :)

1. We should work out 5 days a week, or everyday if work and school allow.
2. We need to eat healthy. In her words: "Vanna, we should eat only salads and Subway. Also, I heard that you can lose weight by not putting dressing on your salads."
3. We need to write down everything that we eat, so that we can compare with each other.

During our workouts she always looks over and is like, "Vanna, how many calories have you lost?"

*No she has no idea about my past, and I don't really want her to know because I don't want her to think differently of me...not that she really should, but I still am a little hesitant.
**As she was telling me all of these ideas about our workouts, I was just dying laughing inside. It was really funny, and I couldn't help it so I burst out laughing and she was like, "Why are you laughing? We need to lose weight." I looked at her and said, "Christa, I think our goal should be to be healthy...not lose weight. I think we should stick to 3 days a week, and I got this great diet plan when it comes to eating. It's called intuitive eating, and here's how you do it....blah blah. I would recommend that we don't write down what eat, because that is all we will focus on."
***I believe that I've convinced her that it's smarter to focus on being healthy and not how many pounds we can lose, but she still sometimes strays and I have to reel her back in...haha :)

That was my triumph for these past couple weeks. I could have easily have said, "YEAH, lets work out ## a week and lets set weight goals and let's write down what we eat and blah blah blah...." But I didn't and I was really proud of myself so I thought I would let everyone in on my accomplishment. I know it's not much when you actually think about it, but it was a success in my life and I just thought I would share it with some people that could relate to the little things in life.

Initiating dinner and still losing the battle...

2008-01-02T11:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a few days so I decided that I would take a few minutes out of my "busy" day :) Haha..So, I had therapy today and we talked about assertiveness. Fun topic, I know. We got on this topic because apparently I'm not assertive enough.

Storytime!!! Last night, I was at Wal-Mart visiting my friend who is a hair stylist there when I called my husband asking him if he was ready for dinner. He said that he could eat if I was ready so I asked him what he felt like, and he said that he didn't have a preference which was alright this time because I actually did have a craving for Mexican food. He said that that sounded good, and to go pick him up and we would go to dinner together. Five minutes later he calls, and asks me how Chinese sounds and I said, "Well, sure I guess, but what made you change your mind?" He told me that he looked in the freezer and thought that the stirfry thing we had in there sounded good. So I said sure, and that I would be home in a few minutes to eat. I get there, and decided that I wasn't hungry and he got upset because I didn't want to eat, and I told him it was because that isn't really what I wanted. He asked why I didn't tell him anything, and I looked at him and said, "I did, I initiated dinner because I felt like Mexican. I did say something."

Now I got lectured because I should have told him that I still wanted Mexican and blah blah blah. ARGH! I did tell him that I wanted Mexican...haha...this is such a silly story, but I just want to know if any of you find yourselves in situations like this one. Ones where you are actually the person that suggests dinner in the first place, and you're hungry and then so much other shit goes on that you get frustrated and don't want to eat anymore?? I just am wondering because I'm frustrated. It's hard to even have the urge to eat let alone suggest it and then it just backfires and I don't eat anyway...haha..this really was a ridiculous blog and I'm sorry that I even took up your guys' time. Haha!

I wish you ladies a wonderful day and hope that you had an amazing holiday!!!

Ladeeda

2007-12-27T20:17:00.000-08:00

Tired

she's tired
tired of running
with nowhere to go

how does one keep going
when they are scared,
warn out, and alone?

nobody to talk to
nobody that she dare bother
nobody that she dare show her tears

just keep moving forward
someday this will all be funny
that's what they all tell her

she doesn't want to
she's tired of running
with nowhere to go

Thankful

2007-12-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

I know that I already posted today, but I'm trying to make myself have a good day so I decided that I would write what I'm thankful for...I think it will help :)

1. Chris - Because even though he could have found better, he still chose me so I'm grateful for him.

2. Stuart - Stuart is...well, Stuart. He's such an amazing brother. He's understanding, patient, kind, ALWAYS there for me, and he truly loves me even with all the flaws.

3. My sisters, Jennifer and Dawn - Since I was a young pup listening to "You're the Inspiration" with them driving down main street, they have always been role models. I love them more than they could imagine.

4. My nieces and nephew - They always find a way to make me smile. They don't look at me as a failure, they call me wanting to talk about boys, they love me unconditionally because they don't know any better..haha. They are my entire world.

5. My friends - Are amazing! I couldn't ask for better. You guys are awesome!!! I love you!

6. My therapist - Even though she drives me up the wall...she's still an angel.

Well, there is my list of people that I'm grateful for, and always will be. Thank you to all of them, even though they won't all have the opportunity to read this. Hehe..me sneaky :)

Thanks

2007-12-19T10:06:00.000-08:00

This blog isn't about emotions or anything...it's just here to say THANKS to all of you ladies that always read my blogs, and make me feel better. Thank you so much for being you...love you guys!! *hugs* Miss you also :)

Wonder...

2007-12-17T10:35:00.000-08:00

I sit here wondering if it will happen...will I have a good day? My belief is that if you have 5 bad days, you should be allotted one good day right? It only seems fair. Then I realize, "Savannah, life is not fair." No matter how much I try and believe that things are going to be just fine, there will always be people to hurt me and heck there will always be people that, unfortunately...I hurt. Sometimes, I wonder what I'm really living for. Sure, I have Chris, but he could easily find someone better...he's an amazing guy. Sure, I have my siblings, but let's face it...I'm not the easiest sister to have. Sure, I have friends, but again...I'm not an easy nor good friend to have. And lastly, I have nieces and nephews, but I can gaurantee that they could have a much better influence than I could ever be for them.

I'm excited to move to Utah because I want to get away from my life here. On the other hand...I'm so nervous. I feel really dumb for saying this, and completely hypocritical, but I don't know if I'm pretty enough, skinny enough, successful enough to have friends like the girls that live in Utah. I feel like the only way that I will feel worthy enough to hang out with anyone down there is if I completely change myself. So, then I think...should I just move somewhere else. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of life. I really hope that it's not this hard for anyone else...it's so much work just to get through the day...that is really pathetic...I'm really pathetic.

I still, just need to keep going...why, I have no idea...but someday...someday I will know.

Life...is going downhill

2007-12-14T11:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't posted a blog for a couple days now so I figured I probably should get some thoughts out huh? Well, I'm excited to be done with the semester so that's some good news. Things have been alright for a few days...not amazing, but I'm still alive. My main problem lately is that I don't have the urge to talk to anyone about my feelings. I won't talk to Chris, Carrie(my therapist), Kaitlyn(my friend that I use to have no problem talking to)... All I want to do is go to the bar and drink all night. My dad was a horrible alcoholic, and I don't want to be him...I hate him. Hell, he hates me...I just don't know why I insist on completely fucking my whole life up. Am I damn retarded? Seriously...I wow myself at how utterly stupid i am. Well, those are my thoughts on my life right now...

Mask

2007-12-09T18:31:00.000-08:00

No, I did not write this, but the genius that did is quite possibly the closest thing to me, but with the gift of writing...I however do not have that gift..I'm quite confident that I don't have any gift, but that's another day.

My Life Story
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I gave you the impression that I was secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as out,that confidence is my name
and coolness is my game.
That the water's calm,
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth, but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath it lies no smugness, no compliance.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear exposing them,
That's why I frantically create masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
That glance is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this,
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and
your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no
good and you will see this
and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With an illusion of confidence outside,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks
The glittering, but empty parade of masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tunes of surface talk
I tell you everything that's nothing,
and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
Do not be fooled by what I'm not saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I cannot say. I dislike hiding.
Honestly.
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine
and spontaneous
and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks tell you otherwise.

It will not be easy for you.
Long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
The blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

You wonder who I am?
You shouldn't
For I am everyman
And everywoman
Who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

FUCK!!!

2007-12-08T00:22:00.000-08:00

Warning...this post may have profanity..

So, I am on the verge of completely mutilating myself...I just can't do this anymore!!! I'm so fuckin' stressed. This week, alone...I have been asked 4 fuckin' times if I'm pregnant. "NO I'M NOT FUCKIN' PREGNANT...I'M JUST FAT..PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" So this may be triggering and what not, but I'm so pissed off that I don't care I'm sorry... I've gained 50 fuckin' pounds since I've started college...and everyone just sort of looks at me...waiting for an explanation...what do I say..."I had an eating disorder, and now I'm fat...please leave me be." I don't even deserve to live...I need to just fuckin' rid the world of me. That would be the best thing to do...I don't know why I torture everyone by allowing them to pretend that people are friends with me...it's ridiculous and I'm sorry. I feel like just taking the blade across my wrists and feeling the blood trickle down my palm...knowing that I was the ONLY one to cause the pain...not anybody else...me. Who cares if I prove my family right...who cares if I'm "the girl who always fucks up." WHO FUCKIN' CARES...I'm might as well live up to my name right?

I just want it all back...all of it. At least I didn't have to fight to figure out who I was... Now I just sit and look at this snack pack pudding cup shit..whatever the hell it is..I don't know because Chris bought it. I can't even go grocery shopping...yes, I am that lame. I want to be the girl that smiles, and is "Great!" and then I can go home and just stare...I'm tired of working so hard for something that I don't understand. Recovery...is it worth it? I feel more like shit than I did before..I just don't know if it's worth it for me. Grr...I'm so lost and scared..I hate, absolutely hate screwing my life up, but that is all I know...and now I know nothing.

Stressed

2007-12-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

Thanks girls for all the comments on my blog! :) I added some of you as friends, but I'm not sure if it worked or not. I think that Kate's is locked and so is Tanya's. My e-mail address is savannah.savelkoul@dsu.nodak.edu if you would please add me :) Thank you so much girls!

Well, I officially have 4 days left of this semester, and I'm really excited. School is shitty, which in turn makes me stresssed with work also, and then I feel bad because I'm not myself and Chris deserves better. I feel like he made the worst choice in the world when he chose me...I feel really terrible that he got stuck with someone like me. I'm hoping that I can someday make him a happy...I just don't really know how. Well, those are my thoughts for the moment...thanks.

Popping my own blog cherry...awkward :)

2007-12-02T08:35:00.000-08:00

Well, I decided since this is the new "in" thing...that I would take a stab at it :) Well, I'm not really sure of what I should talk about...I don't know if I should be completely honest and treat this as if it were a journal or if I should just keep it PG so to speak..haha. I guess I will just be a little honest and see if it's ok with everyone...please leave me a comment as to what I should be writing about. Thank you!!!

So I guess I will just let everyone know that school sucks and I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't finish 2 years ago like I was suppose to. The fact still remains that if I never would have gone to Utah..I would be a year and a half OUT of college right now. So pretty much...that sucks...really bad. I feel like a failure. It's a little ironic that I feel like MORE of a failure since going to treatment...isn't treatment suppose to have the opposite effect?

Well, those of my thoughts for this moment. I'm excited to look at all of your blogs :) Bye ladies!