Been a really long time...

I know it's been an extremely long time, and more than likely nobody will read this, but that is ok because I just want to talk..ya know?

I'm just not doing well...emotionally anyway. So in my heart I know that I should be doing horribly eating wise as well. I see pictures of myself now and I just can't take it anymore. It's been 4 1/2 years of absolute disgust. Unfortunately, I don't care about recovery anymore...I just want to be liked. I want to be pretty. I NEED to go on a diet...there is no ifs ands or buts. I just cant take this anymore, and I have absolutely nobody to talk to it about anymore :(

I miss the old me! I want to be a talented person with ambition and desire for life, and more than anything...I want to be the weight I was 5 years ago! Before I went to treatment, I was not skinny, but I WAS NOT THIS FAT!!!! It seems like my life just has no meaning. I'm just taking up space.

I'm so sorry that this is a bad post, but I'm actually holding quite a bit back...I just hate to wine all the time, but I'm just tired emotionally. Well, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and I am quite sure that nobody will even read this because I don't post very often, but I need to more often because I'm just not doing well and need to start making recovery choices for myself. Deep inside, I'm sure that I do want recovery still, but I can't seem to find that bit of me. I want the old me back...badly.

God Bless,
Savannah

Been a long time...

Well, hello everyone. Actually I'm pretty sure that nobody checks this anymore considering I don't often blog anymore. Sorry...not much free time in my life. Well, I haven't been up to much. Just working and hanging out with the family. I actually did start seeing a therapist again. Our first appointment was last week. It was a little awkward because I hadn't been to a therapist in 1 1/2 years. Also, I started an ED group here in town and that's a little strange too because I don't even know how to act in that environment anymore. But I'm trying to participate and hopefully I really start to work through some things. Other than that I haven't been up to much.

Update on Elliott: He's 9 months now! I can't believe it...it seems like I just had him a week ago. Haha. He's an amazing kid and just a blessing to spend time with. His giggle is contageous and when he calls out "Momma!"...my heart just melts.

Life is decent right now..I just need to stop, step back, and really work on myself.

I would love an update on how all of you are doing so fire back at me. Love you guys!

Wowsers

It has been forever since I have updated my blog. I'm not certain that any of you even read these anymore. Haha. Well, Elliott is 4 months old today and work is going good. Chris and I are great, and overall...we are just having a good time in Rapid City. Well, I look forward to reading all of your blogs and being updated. Bye ladies :)

Time Flies By!

Wow, time has seriously gone by so fast. How has everyone been?! What is everyone up to?! I've just been hanging out with Elliott and I went back to work part time a week and a half ago. Everything is going well with Elliott and I'm doing good for the most part. Of course I have post-partum depression so that rocks. Not. Haha. Oh well, things could always be worse. Well, here's a pic of the little guy showing attitude and sticking his tongue out :) Miss you all!

My First Day Home

Hello everyone! I finally got to go home and mom couldn't wait to take pictures of me :) Haha! Here is one of me in my cute swing and one of me snuggling with mommy. Have a good weekend ladies!

Elliott Randall Brecht

Hello everyone! Sorry that I haven't posted or been on in a long time to read your blogs, but I was having my little guy :) He decided that he couldn't stand it in there and he came exactly 4 weeks early. They had to admit him into the NICU so he could work on his breathing a little better. His lungs weren't quite as ready as he was. Now he is working on his eating. (My husband and my brother told me that he's already taking after his mom...haha...it made me laugh) Once he gets better at eating we get to bring him home. We are hoping by the beginning of this coming week, but my hopes of bringing him home sooner than later keep getting crushed so we'll see how soon we really do.

I must say that this moment has taken the cake of the hardest time in my life. Being a mother is the most amazing, but not being able to help him and thinking that it is your fault he's hurting is so hard. I keep looking back at my pregnancy wondering what I did wrong. Maybe I ate chocolate when I should have had vegetables or maybe I didn't drink enough water...all of these things come to mind. It doesn't help that my mother-in-law hates me and she says it's my fault, but I would think that even without her opinion.

This week has been the most exhausting and the most amazing I have ever experienced. I'm just ready for him to come home. But here is a picture of the little guy :) His cute little smile and blonde locks crack me up. Hehe.

Elliott Randall Brecht
April 10, 2009 @ 5:59pm
19 inches, 6lbs 6.6oz

Last Month

Finally, I am in my last month of pregnancy. This last month just happens to be 5 weeks long, but that's ok with me because it's still considered my last month...YAY! Things are going well. We are finally starting to get everything rounded up for the little guy and ready for him to come join us. I'm getting excited and anxious..hehe :) Well, I just thought it had been a little long since my last update so I figured I would post one. Have a good weekend everyone!