Been a really long time...

I know it's been an extremely long time, and more than likely nobody will read this, but that is ok because I just want to talk..ya know?

I'm just not doing well...emotionally anyway. So in my heart I know that I should be doing horribly eating wise as well. I see pictures of myself now and I just can't take it anymore. It's been 4 1/2 years of absolute disgust. Unfortunately, I don't care about recovery anymore...I just want to be liked. I want to be pretty. I NEED to go on a diet...there is no ifs ands or buts. I just cant take this anymore, and I have absolutely nobody to talk to it about anymore :(

I miss the old me! I want to be a talented person with ambition and desire for life, and more than anything...I want to be the weight I was 5 years ago! Before I went to treatment, I was not skinny, but I WAS NOT THIS FAT!!!! It seems like my life just has no meaning. I'm just taking up space.

I'm so sorry that this is a bad post, but I'm actually holding quite a bit back...I just hate to wine all the time, but I'm just tired emotionally. Well, I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas, and I am quite sure that nobody will even read this because I don't post very often, but I need to more often because I'm just not doing well and need to start making recovery choices for myself. Deep inside, I'm sure that I do want recovery still, but I can't seem to find that bit of me. I want the old me back...badly.

God Bless,
Savannah