Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Honest Moment

K...this post is probably going to be one of the most honest moments in my life, and I'm nervous for some reason...probably the whole "AHHH...VULNERABLE!!!" thing. Anyway, I might as well just jump into it because I can't sleep and until I get this out...I won't be able to.

P.S. This blog is going to make me sound like a completely horrible person.

I have this friend, and I care the world about her. For real...she is amazing. She only has one fault that I know of......ED. I try hard to be there for her and let her know that she needs to keep fighting and all that jazz. Well, tonight she texted me and told me that she just got out of IP and that she gets to go to day patient and I'm so damn proud of her. (Please excuse the D word) However, there's still a long road ahead.

*Enter horrible part* The texts then ask how I'm doing....my reply: "I'm good...blah blah blah." The truth of the matter is...I really AM doing good. Please tell me why I feel guilty? I feel sheepish for being healthy!! That's gash dang ridiculous isn't it?!

I feel horrible for being healthy when my friend is hurting so terribly so I search for things that I can do wrong because I don't want her to be alone in the fight. I'm sure that this post seems very crazy, but it is truly how I feel. My mind is telling me that I have to be unhealthy because she is. The sad thing is that some of me(the ED part) is telling me that I gave up too easy and that I could be just like her. It yells at me for giving up on it and tells me that I could be just like her and be skinny, pretty, etc.

So overall, my thoughts are a bit selfish and childish, but I couldn't sleep and I had to talk to something about them. My mind tells me that I can't be healthy because then she would be alone in the fight, AND some more thoughts tell me that I'm a fatass for giving into treatment and getting healthy.

This blows.

But, at least I can maybe sleep now. bye.

The Big Move

I'm growing up! YAY! haha.. Chris and I are moving to Rapid City a little sooner than we thought. I thought that we had until the middle of August, but we actually have to move 2 weeks sooner so I'm heading down to Rapid City, SD on August 1st. Eeeek! We actually do not have an apartment so I'm moving down there on August 1st and Chris is coming down on August 15th.

I'm a little nervous to head out and begin my career, but I'm optimistic that everything will level out after a few months. We hope to start a family soon also...hopefully anyway. We'll see I guess :)

Here are a couple of pictures of the area. (1 of Rapid City, and 1 of Mt. Rushmore which I will be driving by everyday to go to work) - You might have to click on the first one to make it larger.



Monday, July 14, 2008

Week 2

Well, this is week 2 of Music Camp for me. My niece left on Saturday so that was sad that I wasn't able to leave and hang out with her. I do, however, get a day off next week which I will be spending with her so I'm thrilled about that. I think we'll either end up going to a movie or the mall or both :) I love coming here every year, but I've been coming here for 5 years now and it kinda sucks when the deans that knew me before I went to Utah all look at me...wanting to ask why I'm bigger, but they don't...thank God :) The administration knows because I have to fill out a health form before working here. One of the questions is: "Do you have an eating disorder or have you ever had an eating disorder?" This makes for a crazy conversation when you check in because the camp director's wife pulls me into her office and asks if I'd be willing to be the "On-Call ED Expert" when it comes to the campers(primarily the dancers). So that's a little awkward, but of course I said yes.

So that has been my week...the other deans think I'm nuts and the dancers never want me to talk to them because they know that I'm the "ED Expert." And we all know how uncomfortable those conversations can be :)

Well, I guess I better get out there and monitor little ones. Bye ladies!!! Have a great week!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

International Peace Gardens

This past Saturday, my niece(Kiara) and I made the long truck up to the International Music Camp which happens to be located in the International Peace Gardens. The Peace Gardens are absolutely gorgeous, and somehow just seeing the beauty of the gardens just puts a neverending smile on my face. Isn't it amazing how God creates such places that seem so perfect? Anyway...

I'm totally stoked for Music Camp. I love watching kids create music...especially singing! :) My niece is so talented, and I'm so proud of her. She's here for this week which is choir week, and then she goes to hang out with her biological father in Minot, ND. However, I get to stay up here for another week(jazz week) and I'm excited. I'm sure that I will be sick of all of the 700 kids that are camping by the end of the 2 weeks, but in the mean time...I'm pretty thrilled! :)

This was a pointless blog, and I'm sorry for that...haha. I guess I just got so caught up in the excitement of Music Camp...and yes if you were wondering...this camp could technically be considered a.....band camp. Flute players were last week ;)