Worn out

Does anyone ever feel that they have so much going on that recovery doesn't even make it onto the list? I really just don't have time for it right now. That sounds completely lame, but I really don't. I'm sure I could prioritize better, actually I know I could, but I don't want to. This other stuff needs to get done also. Of course I would love to just quit everything, but I'm so damn close to being done that I can't give up. However, yes I will graduate on May 10th, and then things are suppose to be "easier", but how in the hell is starting a career and possibly a family easier!? Haha...I'm just complaining and stressed. Sorry.

Oh so tempting offer...

WARNING!!! May be triggering!!! Viewers discretion is advised!

Alright, so tonight at work..I was dealing blackjack and all was pretty well - minus the fact that I'm insanely wore out - when I'm approached by yet ANOTHER person...

Individual: "Oh my gosh, are your expecting?! That's so exciting!!"

Savannah: "No, I'm not...just a little fluffier than since we hung out 4 years ago." Insert Laugh

Individual: "Oh, I'm sorry...that was really forward of me."

Savannah: "Nah...don't worry about it...it sadly happens a lot."

Individual: "Well, I could actually help you with that. Are you lookin' for an easy way to shed some?"

Savannah: Laughing inside...oh here we go...just stick your finger down your throat... "Why yes, I would love to hear the latest fad diet." smiles

Individual: "It's rather dangerous, but it really works for me and my friends....meth."

Savannah: stunned!!! "Whoa. Wasn't expecting that answer."

Individual: "I can get it for you really cheap...like half price."

Now...I'm listening, but why I am I listening? I come from a middle class family...my mom was a retail manager, my step-dad is a power plant operations manager, I'm in my senior year of college, I'm an aunt, I'm married for goodness sake....yet I yearn for more information.

Savannah: "Oh really." fake laugh, but really I am curious still not knowing why


Ladies!!!! This is NOT me. Yet I feel the need to do this. No, an eating disorder didn't scare me...why would meth right? This is completely insane, yet I want to try it so bad. I don't even know what it looks like. I don't even know how you would ingest/inhale/drink/smoke/dancethejigaround it. I don't know anything about it, but because I can lose weight doing it..I'm willing. I've always known that meth could make a person lose tons of weight because it's common knowledge, but I have never taken this much interest in it. I don't know what to do. I should probably tell my therapist, but what if I do (Gosh forbid) try it...then she'll know...and then I'm in A LOT of trouble. I don't know what to do, and I don't know where else to turn. I'm scared that I might actually try this...knowing that it is not characteristic of me. Please help.

Bad day...

Today is a horrible body image day, and I am just ready to give up. I think it's crazy that one day can make me so ready to just take back all of the hard work that I've done. Yes, I can say it...I've worked hard, and I'm proud. But, I really really just want to look the way that I use to. I think the hard thing for me is that I never looked like I had an eating disorder. I was average height and weight and all that good jazz. So when I did get healthy and make good choices for myself...I became what I was suppose to. I'm big boned, and naturally a "healthy" shape and size. That is insanely hard for me to accept. I don't want to be this way. I want to look "normal" like I use to when I wasn't healthy. I didn't look sick...I looked like your average girl. I no longer look that way, I look like a fatass and just plain gross. I don't want to accept the fact that I'm like my sisters and brother. We are naturally big boned and big everything..haha! I don't like that, and I don't want that. According to charts, I am overweight. Do you know how frustrating that is? The one thing that I was ever passionate about: being thin and now I'm overweight WOW...that's all I gotta say..wow! The one thing I cared about...I mean I could handle being "normal" weight and such, but OVERWEIGHT...wow, I'm done. But in order for me to look "normal" and "average" I have to be unhealthy. That right there folks, is a horrible realization. I don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want to...I really don't want to.

Ok, now that I took the advice of Alana and Tanya and posted everything that I was feeling...that was nice, embarrassing but nice. Thanks girls for allowing me to let myself do that :) If that made sense, hehe.

I guess what this whole post is about is that I am sick of the fact that one day can make me want to give up everything. Maybe if I have enough of these days...I'll be "average" again. One can only hope.