I went to the doctor's office on the 8th, and even though it was the best appt. so far since we got to find out...it was the worst for me as well. Up until that appt. I really hadn't gained all that much weight. I didn't gain a ton of weight, but I gained just enough in the 1 month that I think I'm going to go crazy. That is all that is on my mind, and I can't seem to quit obsessing about it. The sick thing is that I'll be gaining close to 20-30 more pounds and I don't think I'm prepared for it. I compare myself to everyone else here in SD, home in ND, pictures of friends on the internet, etc. and I can't stand myself.
I know that I'm pregnant and gaining weight is a good thing when your pregnant, but I'm a wreck. In the doctor's office that day I was speechless, and my husband goes, "Wow..that's great hunny...the medicine must be working." Aka: "Wow...you're a cow."
I just want to quit being pregnant. I want to be able to go on a diet. I want to lose all this weight and everything that I gained since 2005. I'm done with this new Savannah. I feel depressed because I'm not where I want to be and it's my fault that I let myself get out of hand. I should have had more control after I got out of the center and I let myself go and I am so unattractive that I make myself sick.
Everyone says that pregnant women are the most gorgeous and how can I be gorgeous when I nearly punch the mirror everytime I stare at my reflection?
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6 comments:
so sorry you're feeling so down, hon. body image sucks. I relate to feeling like I "let myself go" after the Center, but the truth is I'm also happier, even if I do hate my body. Remember that you're not just eating/gaining for your baby, which people so often stress, but also for YOU. Taking care of yourself isn't just about the baby, it's also about valuing yourself and staying healthy for you. I love you hon.
there's some people interviewing women about body image and pregnancy - do you think it might be a healing experience for you to talk to them?
*they're interviewing for a book
email claire@insidebeauty.org and tell her Kyla sent you for the interview on the body image & pregnancy book. I hope it's healing!
Hey Savannah, I haven’t checked blogs for a while but when I read this post of yours today I had to comment. I’m so sorry things are hard right now. Even though I can’t say I totally know what you are going through, believe me when I say I feel for you!
Body image and pregnancy are hard enough for most people, but add an eating disorder to the already raging hormones and it can be really rough (at least it was for me!). I really admire you for your honesty, while I was pregnant I'd often blog about all the positives and post pictures that made me look perfectly happy because I was afraid to show the “real” stuff. I mean aren’t pregnant women supposed to be happy and thrilled with the prospects of having a kid 24/7?
And while I think pregnant women look beautiful I sure didn’t feel that way myself. In fact I mostly felt like a big, fat planet. Try not to believe what your mind is telling you (I know, easier said than done), the sacrifices you are making for that little one are proof of your strength and courage. What you are doing builds real character, whereas weight loss and being thin—no matter how appealing—will always leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled in the end.
Hang in there girl, motherhood is tough but it is SO worth it!
Thank you ladies for the wonderful encouragement :) It really means a lot.
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