Today is a horrible body image day, and I am just ready to give up. I think it's crazy that one day can make me so ready to just take back all of the hard work that I've done. Yes, I can say it...I've worked hard, and I'm proud. But, I really really just want to look the way that I use to. I think the hard thing for me is that I never looked like I had an eating disorder. I was average height and weight and all that good jazz. So when I did get healthy and make good choices for myself...I became what I was suppose to. I'm big boned, and naturally a "healthy" shape and size. That is insanely hard for me to accept. I don't want to be this way. I want to look "normal" like I use to when I wasn't healthy. I didn't look sick...I looked like your average girl. I no longer look that way, I look like a fatass and just plain gross. I don't want to accept the fact that I'm like my sisters and brother. We are naturally big boned and big everything..haha! I don't like that, and I don't want that. According to charts, I am overweight. Do you know how frustrating that is? The one thing that I was ever passionate about: being thin and now I'm overweight WOW...that's all I gotta say..wow! The one thing I cared about...I mean I could handle being "normal" weight and such, but OVERWEIGHT...wow, I'm done. But in order for me to look "normal" and "average" I have to be unhealthy. That right there folks, is a horrible realization. I don't want to be fat anymore. I don't want to...I really don't want to.
Ok, now that I took the advice of Alana and Tanya and posted everything that I was feeling...that was nice, embarrassing but nice. Thanks girls for allowing me to let myself do that :) If that made sense, hehe.
I guess what this whole post is about is that I am sick of the fact that one day can make me want to give up everything. Maybe if I have enough of these days...I'll be "average" again. One can only hope.
9 comments:
Savannah! I'm actually not sure if I've posted any comments on here before... so you may not know that I read your blog... but I do. I need to keep up on my CFCers, you know? Anyway, I'm not sure what it is with bad days, but they certainly do happen... and then we want to give up... which is pretty much pointless, but in the moment it seems sensible, doesn't it? Mainly what I want to say is that I'm glad to know that you're putting your thoughts and feelings out there; something about that just seems to be a good strategy. And yeah, it is really problematic that one bad day can make everything look so awful. I guess we just have to wait around for good days to finally come along... one finally came around for me about a week ago--I'd basically been waiting for one for nearly a year, and it finally arrived--and it totally made up for every miserable thing that's gone on in the last few months. So, I suppose that all I can do is put some good-day-coming-Savannah's-way energy and prayers out there... and I'm totally rambling, obviously, but I want to say hi and to let you know that I think you're cool.
Oh, one other thing--I don't think I get the thing about having two blogs that are the same thing. They really are the same thing! Or maybe I just don't get it? Well, I always have been easily confused.
Oh Savannah, I'm so sorry you are having bad body image days. I miss the way I used to look too. It's rough, isn't it? But please don't give up - it's just one day, or maybe two, or maybe even a hundred, but recovery is worth it.
I see the funniest girl in the world. I see someone who has a tremendous heart. I see someone who gives great advice and cares about others. I see a smart person about to graduate. What I don't see? An eating disorder. A "fatass" (as you would put it). And, I have to say, if charts say you're overweight, then some lame doctor that probably cheated on his exams to get through med school was high on speedballers when he came up with that data. Seriously.
Re: Brie's comment, height-weight charts are completely arbitrary. They were made by insurance companies. More about it in The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls. If you were unhealthy at what they say was a "normal" weight, you were actually underweight for your body at that time. screw those charts!
hey girl-
sorry i've been mia for a bit, but i am seriously so proud of you for being real about what's going on right now. doesn't it just feel better than posting some bogus post about how great things are and then signing off and feeling the greatest isolation and loneliness ever?! that is actually something that i learned from you, so thank you! i hope you are having a better day vannah, it breaks my heart to hear how hard life can be for the people i love. you are so amazing and such a fantastic person. even though you don't believe me, i hope you will one day come to this realization for yourself because it is 100% true. i love you and there is nothing you can do or say that will change that! keep us posted love!
Savannah,
I have to say that I also do not see a fatass when I look at you. When you were here I saw someone who was happy to be with your friends. I was so happy to see you. You are an amazing woman. You are a talented and courageous woman. There will always be the hard days...and sometimes they come in succession and they take us farther back away from recovery than we can imagine...and sometimes the hard days are more than we can bare. I understand the feeling of not wanting to fight anymore. But the truth is that feeling passes, and fighting for the life you fought so hard for suddenly is good enough again and its better to fight again. I believe there are ups and downs in recovery, but they do pass. And I think I have found when we can't have the strength to go on and we let ourselves get sucked back into the comfort and numbing world of our eds we start to understand again how much it just sucks. And then we have to remember that if we don't have the strength we do have friends and loved ones who are willing to hold us up until we find the strength to put our fists back up.
I hope that didn't sound to strange or sappy...
Oh love thank you for posting how you're really feeling! I love real posts like this because it honestly makes me feel so much closer to you. Dude, can I relate to you OR WHAT??!!! Oh yes. Need I say more? Fuck the damn charts. Yah, according to them I'm overweight as well....and yes, that does make me want to kill myself....but maybe if we all just got together and said "fuck them" they'd lose their power.
All I can say is that I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. You are such an awesome/beautiful person and dude your weight doesn't define how awesome and beautiful you are.
thanks ladies, for all of the encouraging and amazing words of wise women! you are all so nice to me, and i couldn't ask for a better support group. i love you all very much :)
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