K...this post is probably going to be one of the most honest moments in my life, and I'm nervous for some reason...probably the whole "AHHH...VULNERABLE!!!" thing. Anyway, I might as well just jump into it because I can't sleep and until I get this out...I won't be able to.
P.S. This blog is going to make me sound like a completely horrible person.
I have this friend, and I care the world about her. For real...she is amazing. She only has one fault that I know of......ED. I try hard to be there for her and let her know that she needs to keep fighting and all that jazz. Well, tonight she texted me and told me that she just got out of IP and that she gets to go to day patient and I'm so damn proud of her. (Please excuse the D word) However, there's still a long road ahead.
*Enter horrible part* The texts then ask how I'm doing....my reply: "I'm good...blah blah blah." The truth of the matter is...I really AM doing good. Please tell me why I feel guilty? I feel sheepish for being healthy!! That's gash dang ridiculous isn't it?!
I feel horrible for being healthy when my friend is hurting so terribly so I search for things that I can do wrong because I don't want her to be alone in the fight. I'm sure that this post seems very crazy, but it is truly how I feel. My mind is telling me that I have to be unhealthy because she is. The sad thing is that some of me(the ED part) is telling me that I gave up too easy and that I could be just like her. It yells at me for giving up on it and tells me that I could be just like her and be skinny, pretty, etc.
So overall, my thoughts are a bit selfish and childish, but I couldn't sleep and I had to talk to something about them. My mind tells me that I can't be healthy because then she would be alone in the fight, AND some more thoughts tell me that I'm a fatass for giving into treatment and getting healthy.
This blows.
But, at least I can maybe sleep now. bye.
2 comments:
vannah,
there is absolutely nothing selfish about that! it is totally walking the walk of recovery to be aware of why you're feeling the things you do and being honest enough to take a risk and talk about it! i'm so freaking proud of you! you are SUCH a great friend to every single one of us and i know you don't want anyone to feel alone in their fight, but let me tell you something- as much as it was comforting in the midst of a struggle to have someone going through the same shit as i was at the time, it was even MORE helpful in recovery to see someone that was doing well. i looked up to those people who had conquored ed (or were at least farther in the fight than i was), and it gave me so much hope to see that there was light at the end of the tunnel. at those times in my life, the only way i knew there was light was by seeing it in the few people who could actually see it for themselves. and that my friend, is priceless! stay strong, be the person we know you to be, remember that WE LOVE YOU!!! ciao bella!
Hello my chocolate covered dildo-
I have felt similarly, but the thought is not rational. Sometimes I feel jealous when a good friend is doing bad...because they are losing weight or are getting attention (how awful is that?!) and I do worry, too...but this is an issue of co-dependency and care-taking, and both of those habits are unhealthy and don't just hurt you, but hurt the other involved. Please be strong and fight these irrational urges. I love you in recovery more than when you are sick because you are more vibrant and happy, and that's the you I really love. :)
xo
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