Ladeeda

Tired

she's tired
tired of running
with nowhere to go

how does one keep going
when they are scared,
warn out, and alone?

nobody to talk to
nobody that she dare bother
nobody that she dare show her tears

just keep moving forward
someday this will all be funny
that's what they all tell her

she doesn't want to
she's tired of running
with nowhere to go

Thankful

I know that I already posted today, but I'm trying to make myself have a good day so I decided that I would write what I'm thankful for...I think it will help :)

1. Chris - Because even though he could have found better, he still chose me so I'm grateful for him.

2. Stuart - Stuart is...well, Stuart. He's such an amazing brother. He's understanding, patient, kind, ALWAYS there for me, and he truly loves me even with all the flaws.

3. My sisters, Jennifer and Dawn - Since I was a young pup listening to "You're the Inspiration" with them driving down main street, they have always been role models. I love them more than they could imagine.

4. My nieces and nephew - They always find a way to make me smile. They don't look at me as a failure, they call me wanting to talk about boys, they love me unconditionally because they don't know any better..haha. They are my entire world.

5. My friends - Are amazing! I couldn't ask for better. You guys are awesome!!! I love you!

6. My therapist - Even though she drives me up the wall...she's still an angel.

Well, there is my list of people that I'm grateful for, and always will be. Thank you to all of them, even though they won't all have the opportunity to read this. Hehe..me sneaky :)

Thanks

This blog isn't about emotions or anything...it's just here to say THANKS to all of you ladies that always read my blogs, and make me feel better. Thank you so much for being you...love you guys!! *hugs* Miss you also :)

Wonder...

I sit here wondering if it will happen...will I have a good day? My belief is that if you have 5 bad days, you should be allotted one good day right? It only seems fair. Then I realize, "Savannah, life is not fair." No matter how much I try and believe that things are going to be just fine, there will always be people to hurt me and heck there will always be people that, unfortunately...I hurt. Sometimes, I wonder what I'm really living for. Sure, I have Chris, but he could easily find someone better...he's an amazing guy. Sure, I have my siblings, but let's face it...I'm not the easiest sister to have. Sure, I have friends, but again...I'm not an easy nor good friend to have. And lastly, I have nieces and nephews, but I can gaurantee that they could have a much better influence than I could ever be for them.

I'm excited to move to Utah because I want to get away from my life here. On the other hand...I'm so nervous. I feel really dumb for saying this, and completely hypocritical, but I don't know if I'm pretty enough, skinny enough, successful enough to have friends like the girls that live in Utah. I feel like the only way that I will feel worthy enough to hang out with anyone down there is if I completely change myself. So, then I think...should I just move somewhere else. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of life. I really hope that it's not this hard for anyone else...it's so much work just to get through the day...that is really pathetic...I'm really pathetic.

I still, just need to keep going...why, I have no idea...but someday...someday I will know.

Life...is going downhill

Well, I haven't posted a blog for a couple days now so I figured I probably should get some thoughts out huh? Well, I'm excited to be done with the semester so that's some good news. Things have been alright for a few days...not amazing, but I'm still alive. My main problem lately is that I don't have the urge to talk to anyone about my feelings. I won't talk to Chris, Carrie(my therapist), Kaitlyn(my friend that I use to have no problem talking to)... All I want to do is go to the bar and drink all night. My dad was a horrible alcoholic, and I don't want to be him...I hate him. Hell, he hates me...I just don't know why I insist on completely fucking my whole life up. Am I damn retarded? Seriously...I wow myself at how utterly stupid i am. Well, those are my thoughts on my life right now...

Mask

No, I did not write this, but the genius that did is quite possibly the closest thing to me, but with the gift of writing...I however do not have that gift..I'm quite confident that I don't have any gift, but that's another day.

My Life Story
Please Hear What I'm Not Saying
Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I gave you the impression that I was secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as out,that confidence is my name
and coolness is my game.
That the water's calm,
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth, but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath it lies no smugness, no compliance.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear exposing them,
That's why I frantically create masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance, if it's followed by love.

It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
That glance is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this,
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and
your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no
good and you will see this
and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With an illusion of confidence outside,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks
The glittering, but empty parade of masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tunes of surface talk
I tell you everything that's nothing,
and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
Do not be fooled by what I'm not saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I cannot say. I dislike hiding.
Honestly.
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine
and spontaneous
and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks tell you otherwise.

It will not be easy for you.
Long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
The blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

You wonder who I am?
You shouldn't
For I am everyman
And everywoman
Who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

FUCK!!!

Warning...this post may have profanity..

So, I am on the verge of completely mutilating myself...I just can't do this anymore!!! I'm so fuckin' stressed. This week, alone...I have been asked 4 fuckin' times if I'm pregnant. "NO I'M NOT FUCKIN' PREGNANT...I'M JUST FAT..PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" So this may be triggering and what not, but I'm so pissed off that I don't care I'm sorry... I've gained 50 fuckin' pounds since I've started college...and everyone just sort of looks at me...waiting for an explanation...what do I say..."I had an eating disorder, and now I'm fat...please leave me be." I don't even deserve to live...I need to just fuckin' rid the world of me. That would be the best thing to do...I don't know why I torture everyone by allowing them to pretend that people are friends with me...it's ridiculous and I'm sorry. I feel like just taking the blade across my wrists and feeling the blood trickle down my palm...knowing that I was the ONLY one to cause the pain...not anybody else...me. Who cares if I prove my family right...who cares if I'm "the girl who always fucks up." WHO FUCKIN' CARES...I'm might as well live up to my name right?

I just want it all back...all of it. At least I didn't have to fight to figure out who I was... Now I just sit and look at this snack pack pudding cup shit..whatever the hell it is..I don't know because Chris bought it. I can't even go grocery shopping...yes, I am that lame. I want to be the girl that smiles, and is "Great!" and then I can go home and just stare...I'm tired of working so hard for something that I don't understand. Recovery...is it worth it? I feel more like shit than I did before..I just don't know if it's worth it for me. Grr...I'm so lost and scared..I hate, absolutely hate screwing my life up, but that is all I know...and now I know nothing.

Stressed

Thanks girls for all the comments on my blog! :) I added some of you as friends, but I'm not sure if it worked or not. I think that Kate's is locked and so is Tanya's. My e-mail address is savannah.savelkoul@dsu.nodak.edu if you would please add me :) Thank you so much girls!

Well, I officially have 4 days left of this semester, and I'm really excited. School is shitty, which in turn makes me stresssed with work also, and then I feel bad because I'm not myself and Chris deserves better. I feel like he made the worst choice in the world when he chose me...I feel really terrible that he got stuck with someone like me. I'm hoping that I can someday make him a happy...I just don't really know how. Well, those are my thoughts for the moment...thanks.

Popping my own blog cherry...awkward :)

Well, I decided since this is the new "in" thing...that I would take a stab at it :) Well, I'm not really sure of what I should talk about...I don't know if I should be completely honest and treat this as if it were a journal or if I should just keep it PG so to speak..haha. I guess I will just be a little honest and see if it's ok with everyone...please leave me a comment as to what I should be writing about. Thank you!!!

So I guess I will just let everyone know that school sucks and I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't finish 2 years ago like I was suppose to. The fact still remains that if I never would have gone to Utah..I would be a year and a half OUT of college right now. So pretty much...that sucks...really bad. I feel like a failure. It's a little ironic that I feel like MORE of a failure since going to treatment...isn't treatment suppose to have the opposite effect?

Well, those of my thoughts for this moment. I'm excited to look at all of your blogs :) Bye ladies!