Warning...this post may have profanity..
So, I am on the verge of completely mutilating myself...I just can't do this anymore!!! I'm so fuckin' stressed. This week, alone...I have been asked 4 fuckin' times if I'm pregnant. "NO I'M NOT FUCKIN' PREGNANT...I'M JUST FAT..PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" So this may be triggering and what not, but I'm so pissed off that I don't care I'm sorry... I've gained 50 fuckin' pounds since I've started college...and everyone just sort of looks at me...waiting for an explanation...what do I say..."I had an eating disorder, and now I'm fat...please leave me be." I don't even deserve to live...I need to just fuckin' rid the world of me. That would be the best thing to do...I don't know why I torture everyone by allowing them to pretend that people are friends with me...it's ridiculous and I'm sorry. I feel like just taking the blade across my wrists and feeling the blood trickle down my palm...knowing that I was the ONLY one to cause the pain...not anybody else...me. Who cares if I prove my family right...who cares if I'm "the girl who always fucks up." WHO FUCKIN' CARES...I'm might as well live up to my name right?
I just want it all back...all of it. At least I didn't have to fight to figure out who I was... Now I just sit and look at this snack pack pudding cup shit..whatever the hell it is..I don't know because Chris bought it. I can't even go grocery shopping...yes, I am that lame. I want to be the girl that smiles, and is "Great!" and then I can go home and just stare...I'm tired of working so hard for something that I don't understand. Recovery...is it worth it? I feel more like shit than I did before..I just don't know if it's worth it for me. Grr...I'm so lost and scared..I hate, absolutely hate screwing my life up, but that is all I know...and now I know nothing.
4 comments:
Savannah....I don't have time to leave the comment I want to because I'm running out the door. But we need to talk. You are sooo not alone. I'm right there with you. I hear you. I really do. I will write you more later, K?
LUV YOU SO MUCH!!!
Kate
I don't even know what to say...Sav, you are amazing and it does matter if you die. It matters to me and to your real friends and to Chris. You are a good, amazing, worthwhile friend, wife, daughter, aunt, and llama lover! I need you and so does this world. I love you.
hey you,
really, it makes me so sad to read this because i know exactly how you're feeling. all if can say without being a hypocrite is to hang in there! i love you SO much, you are such an amazing person, and i am so blessed to have you in my life! keep fighting babe! call me if you need to talk to someone- i'm serious. i love you!!!
dear dear Savannah,
you are amazing and I'm sorry you're hurting so much. please don't give up on recovery...some days it sucks, no, beyond sucks, but I believe in the end it will be worth it. It's hard and it hurts like hell...but we're all in this together. I love you hon - please keep reaching out for support.
Kyla
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