I am the walrus...

Well, to start out with..I have no idea why I always have insane names for my titles. I'm just a little bit quarky I guess :)

So tonight I was sitting in my bedroom, whilst Christopher was in the living room watching the State of the Union Address. That didn't seem very interesting so I decided to go read my book. I never got to my book, instead I looked at my bookshelf and noticed my old journals...haha! They were from when I was in Utah. It was a weird trip back in time. It was weird to see how I have changed, and giggle at the ways that I haven't changed a bit. Sometimes, I think I choose to forget trying times such as treatment because I fear that I haven't changed enough and I haven't come far enough in recovery. So as I was reading, I noticed that all of my journal entries are fake because I was afraid that they would go in your bin and read your shit. Even for the month that I journaled afterwards...fake...

A long time ago...Summer of 2004(I started therapy in February of 2004)...I have never been one to really open up and my therapist and I decided to see if I could relay my feelings by journaling. So I would journal as many nights as I remembered to, and then at our sessions she would read it and we would discuss what I wrote. Well, I was never as honest as I could have been because I knew that somebody was going to be reading it.

Tonight, I got out a journal because I wanted to see if I am able to put completely everything that I am feeling on paper. Before tonight, the last time I journaled was early 2006. I asked Chris if he could please not disturb me for 5 minutes while I journaled so I turned on some piano music and just sat there writing EVERYTHING! It was insane...I journaled for 45 minutes! I have never felt more relieved and free than tonight. It's crazy how much emotion can come out of a ballpoint pen. Knowing that I wasn't going to show anyone, and it was truly just for me...I was able to just go.. It was an amazing feeling.

On a crappier note, my grandma is really sick so it's a pretty crappy week. We are hoping and praying that she makes it through the week. Considering the doctor told us she wouldn't make it through Sunday night, and today she woke up and was recognizing some people...we were at least given a glimmer of hope. I feel horrible for my mom though because when I almost lost her a year ago, it was the most horrible experience of my life. I can look at her and truly know what she is feeling. Her and her mother didn't have a good relationship, just as my mother and I don't have a good relationship. I'm just hoping that even with all their differences, they realize that they love one another even if it seems hard to admit.

One more thought for the night and then I'm really going to go to bed. Here goes...I HATE NORTH DAKOTA! It was 40 BELOW ZERO today(with windchill.. -10 without) That is just crazy. Why do people live here? Nutty people I tell you...nutties.

Alright, love goes out to all of you. Hope you had a great start to your week. Keep warm my dears! :)

Rubber Chicken

Well, I realized that I haven't posted anything in quite sometime. I come on here frequently to read how everyone else is doing, but I refrain from posting because I'm sorta boring.

Well, I got 3rd place at the competition that I was so nervous about. So thank you for sending good lucky vibes my way. Love you!! Check out this trophy that I found on the net...isn't he so sexy?I'm a little exhausted...I've been running non-stop for the past few weeks. It's catching up with me, and I'm ready for a day off :) My final semester is a little like my old semesters when I use to think I needed to do everything! I have 18 credits, 3 jobs, I'm in Business Club and Campus Activities Board. However, it is my first year not being on Student Senate, and let me tell ya...I feel like a slacker. Oh well, I have to remember that I need to pay attention to classes and all that jazz.

I don't know how cold it is where all over you are dwelling, but here in North Dakota...it is 20 BELOW!!! That is crazy, and I'm very very cold. I just thought I would let everyone know that... Well, I'd better get back to work..only work another 45 minutes, but then I have to head straight over to my other job. I'm really exhausted..did I mention that. Haha..sorry...I was just kidding.

Well, ladies..I hope that you are all doing well in your individual ventures whether it be school, work, butt cancer, or whatever else it may be. See you later!

Public speaking blows...

Well, the cat's out of the bag...I HATE talking in front of people. I have a tendency to get up in front of the class, and pass out shortly before it is my turn to talk. All the while, my group members just stare in awe because they have no f'in clue what in the heck just happened. Haha...it's humorous if you think about it after the fact.

Another factor that makes it so funny, is that my brother is a national public speaking champion. My brother is a communications professor here at Dickinson State, and I am a communications failure. Haha... I don't know what it is, but I just can't do it. I've tried all the tricks, and none of them work. Picturing them naked just makes everything quite a bit more awkward if you ask me.

Crazy things is...I LOVE TO TALK! (Only when it's not about my feelings and all that shitty jazz) I have sang in quite a few weddings, but not before I thought my heart was going to fail on me. So, performing in front of people is a rather hard task for me. *Brie, I have a feeling that you are the one that is laughing because I referred to it as "performing in front of people," and gosh I think you're great..haha* But for real, I really have a fear of it.

So, this is all leading up the fact that I have a Business Plan competition in Grand Forks, and I really don't want to go. The presentation is 20 minutes long, and I really just don't want to do it. It is this coming Monday-Wednesday, so I was hoping I could talk you ladies into hoping and praying for me that I don't pass out. I really could care less about winning, because I was forced to enter the competition and I really didn't want to make it. I just don't want to pass out in front of 300+ people. Please support me in your mind...thank you ladies!!!

Ahh...how I love school...

Well, I started my first class of my last semester this evening. It lasted a whole 20 minutes because my teacher told the class that there was more important stuff to be doing...AKA...the Ohio State game is on. Haha... Oh well, got me out of class. The class looks as though it will be pretty interesting and challenging. The title of it is Retail Management, and surprisingly, I'm looking forward to it.

I'm just chillin' in the library, about to go play some basketball. Funny story about that though. Haha... So my friend, Christa and I are on this new work out kick. (My therapist finally gave me the ok to workout again, but there are restrictions of course) Anyway, my friend Christa has some guidelines that she thinks we should follow also :)

1. We should work out 5 days a week, or everyday if work and school allow.
2. We need to eat healthy. In her words: "Vanna, we should eat only salads and Subway. Also, I heard that you can lose weight by not putting dressing on your salads."
3. We need to write down everything that we eat, so that we can compare with each other.

During our workouts she always looks over and is like, "Vanna, how many calories have you lost?"

*No she has no idea about my past, and I don't really want her to know because I don't want her to think differently of me...not that she really should, but I still am a little hesitant.
**As she was telling me all of these ideas about our workouts, I was just dying laughing inside. It was really funny, and I couldn't help it so I burst out laughing and she was like, "Why are you laughing? We need to lose weight." I looked at her and said, "Christa, I think our goal should be to be healthy...not lose weight. I think we should stick to 3 days a week, and I got this great diet plan when it comes to eating. It's called intuitive eating, and here's how you do it....blah blah. I would recommend that we don't write down what eat, because that is all we will focus on."
***I believe that I've convinced her that it's smarter to focus on being healthy and not how many pounds we can lose, but she still sometimes strays and I have to reel her back in...haha :)

That was my triumph for these past couple weeks. I could have easily have said, "YEAH, lets work out ## a week and lets set weight goals and let's write down what we eat and blah blah blah...." But I didn't and I was really proud of myself so I thought I would let everyone in on my accomplishment. I know it's not much when you actually think about it, but it was a success in my life and I just thought I would share it with some people that could relate to the little things in life.

Initiating dinner and still losing the battle...

I haven't posted in a few days so I decided that I would take a few minutes out of my "busy" day :) Haha..So, I had therapy today and we talked about assertiveness. Fun topic, I know. We got on this topic because apparently I'm not assertive enough.

Storytime!!! Last night, I was at Wal-Mart visiting my friend who is a hair stylist there when I called my husband asking him if he was ready for dinner. He said that he could eat if I was ready so I asked him what he felt like, and he said that he didn't have a preference which was alright this time because I actually did have a craving for Mexican food. He said that that sounded good, and to go pick him up and we would go to dinner together. Five minutes later he calls, and asks me how Chinese sounds and I said, "Well, sure I guess, but what made you change your mind?" He told me that he looked in the freezer and thought that the stirfry thing we had in there sounded good. So I said sure, and that I would be home in a few minutes to eat. I get there, and decided that I wasn't hungry and he got upset because I didn't want to eat, and I told him it was because that isn't really what I wanted. He asked why I didn't tell him anything, and I looked at him and said, "I did, I initiated dinner because I felt like Mexican. I did say something."

Now I got lectured because I should have told him that I still wanted Mexican and blah blah blah. ARGH! I did tell him that I wanted Mexican...haha...this is such a silly story, but I just want to know if any of you find yourselves in situations like this one. Ones where you are actually the person that suggests dinner in the first place, and you're hungry and then so much other shit goes on that you get frustrated and don't want to eat anymore?? I just am wondering because I'm frustrated. It's hard to even have the urge to eat let alone suggest it and then it just backfires and I don't eat anyway...haha..this really was a ridiculous blog and I'm sorry that I even took up your guys' time. Haha!

I wish you ladies a wonderful day and hope that you had an amazing holiday!!!