Well, to start out with..I have no idea why I always have insane names for my titles. I'm just a little bit quarky I guess :)
So tonight I was sitting in my bedroom, whilst Christopher was in the living room watching the State of the Union Address. That didn't seem very interesting so I decided to go read my book. I never got to my book, instead I looked at my bookshelf and noticed my old journals...haha! They were from when I was in Utah. It was a weird trip back in time. It was weird to see how I have changed, and giggle at the ways that I haven't changed a bit. Sometimes, I think I choose to forget trying times such as treatment because I fear that I haven't changed enough and I haven't come far enough in recovery. So as I was reading, I noticed that all of my journal entries are fake because I was afraid that they would go in your bin and read your shit. Even for the month that I journaled afterwards...fake...
A long time ago...Summer of 2004(I started therapy in February of 2004)...I have never been one to really open up and my therapist and I decided to see if I could relay my feelings by journaling. So I would journal as many nights as I remembered to, and then at our sessions she would read it and we would discuss what I wrote. Well, I was never as honest as I could have been because I knew that somebody was going to be reading it.
Tonight, I got out a journal because I wanted to see if I am able to put completely everything that I am feeling on paper. Before tonight, the last time I journaled was early 2006. I asked Chris if he could please not disturb me for 5 minutes while I journaled so I turned on some piano music and just sat there writing EVERYTHING! It was insane...I journaled for 45 minutes! I have never felt more relieved and free than tonight. It's crazy how much emotion can come out of a ballpoint pen. Knowing that I wasn't going to show anyone, and it was truly just for me...I was able to just go.. It was an amazing feeling.
On a crappier note, my grandma is really sick so it's a pretty crappy week. We are hoping and praying that she makes it through the week. Considering the doctor told us she wouldn't make it through Sunday night, and today she woke up and was recognizing some people...we were at least given a glimmer of hope. I feel horrible for my mom though because when I almost lost her a year ago, it was the most horrible experience of my life. I can look at her and truly know what she is feeling. Her and her mother didn't have a good relationship, just as my mother and I don't have a good relationship. I'm just hoping that even with all their differences, they realize that they love one another even if it seems hard to admit.
One more thought for the night and then I'm really going to go to bed. Here goes...I HATE NORTH DAKOTA! It was 40 BELOW ZERO today(with windchill.. -10 without) That is just crazy. Why do people live here? Nutty people I tell you...nutties.
Alright, love goes out to all of you. Hope you had a great start to your week. Keep warm my dears! :)
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3 comments:
Holy Shite! I don't know how you even manage to exist in that kind of cold weather! Seriously, my sad little heart goes out to you...
I'm proud of you for journaling. I myself can't do it, which is why I started a blog, in hopes that I'd at least be able to transfer a little of my thoughts and emotions down. It's not easy, but it is releasing and I think it's pretty swell you were able to do it. Go you! You rock my rubber chicken world. Or something.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. That must be so hard. Great that you were able to journal for yourself - it helps me so much, just to get it all out there!
hey chicka,
sorry your g-ma's not doing too well. my dad's mom was really old, but when she really started going downhill it was so hard. its the kind of thing that you can't ever really prepare for, ya know? so i'm sorry it's so hard to watch her and the rest of your family struggle through it. about journalling- way to go!!! reading your post makes me want to go find my cfc journals and read them, but really, i'm sure i wrote some crazy shit and still have the menu plans written down in there, so maybe it wouldn't be quite as entertaining as i'd hope it to be. then again, i'm hoping that when i do re-read them one day that i find that i am in a completely different universe than when i wrote those things. i guess only time will tell, huh? okay i really need to pee (sorry, you really didn't need to know that), but i love you lots! bundle up and stay warm!!!!
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